Wednesday, December 1, 2010
This is the last part I'll write, I promise! These were super fun to write!
In other news, we are plotting-er, considering a performance in late spring. I've got cast lists written up. All of you who are performing will get a cast list and then you can come here and print out the scripts.
If any of you readers have ideas for scripts, submit them via the comments. Who will be the first?
The Airs of the Toys Part Three by Katie Schultz
(All enter. Harold and Barry sit on chairs. Manager stands behind table.)
Manager: (Sighs loudly.) This is the last time I’m going to come here and try to get something done!
Harold: Are you sure?
Manager: Yes. (Harold and Barry slap high-fives.) What are you doing?
Barry: Well, we don’t have to pay attention – or do anything, really – because it doesn’t matter. This is the last time you’ll try.
Manager: Let’s try this one more time. This company, Swindlers Employed for Tots, is considering making toy phones.
Harold: So we’ll be phony?
Barry: Certainly looks like it, doesn’t it?
Manager: Barry, could your branch of the company handle the design?
Barry: I don’t have a tree, let alone a branch.
Manager: Quit driving me up trees. Now, Swindlers Employed for Tots is also making Pretty Pink Ponies-
Harold: We have horse sense?
Barry: I thought we had this discussion about sense already.
Harold: Oh, that’s right. In our first meeting.
Manager: (To self.) Breathe deeply! Breathe! Breathe! (Inhales, exhales loudly.) Now then. Swindlers Employed for Tots is partnering with another company called Spineless Books, also known as Borders Without Borders, to produce a series of books designed to encourage kids to read.
Barry: But reading is knowledge-
Harold: And knowledge is power-
Barry: Power corrupts-
Harold: Corruption is a crime-
Barry: And crime doesn’t pay-
Barry and Harold together: So if you encourage kids to read, they’ll go broke!
Harold: That won’t work very well in this economy.
Manager: Oh well. Let’s just go on to the next thing we have to cover. Barns and Nibble provided the cheese and crackers that are in the hallway by the water cooler.
Barry: Why didn’t we partner with Barns and Nibble for the book deal?
Manager: Spineless Books suggested the idea to us. We thought it best to go with them.
Harold: Do they have any backbone at all? (Scribbles on paper, drops it on floor.)
Barry: If they’re bookworms, they don’t.
Manager: Guys! We have stuff to do!
Harold: I vote we adjourn early.
Manager: The motion isn’t on the floor! (Harold points to the floor.) All right, the motion hasn’t been entertained!
Barry: No kidding. I haven’t been entertained either.
Manager: The motion hasn’t been presented!
Barry: If it had been presented, I would have seen it.
Harold: Don’t cause a scene.
Manager: Enough! (Stomps out.)
Barry: Finally. (Barry and Harold exit.)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I've been at it again! These scripts full of puns are fun to write. I might just write a Part Three (Translation: Probably).
Also, there's more stuff on the Improv Games page. If you haven't checked it in awhile, now's the time (after you read this script, of course).
Also, there's more stuff on the Improv Games page. If you haven't checked it in awhile, now's the time (after you read this script, of course).
The Airs of the Toys: Part Two by Katie Schultz
(Manager and Barry enter. Barry sits. Manager stands at end of table.)
Manager: When is Harold going to get here?
Barry: How am I supposed to know? I’m not his keeper. (Harold enters.)
Manager: Why didn’t you come earlier?
Harold: It was too late to leave earlier.
Manager: This time, I don’t want any poker games. Understand? All right. Now, if anything is worth doing-
Barry: It would have been done already.
Manager: Come on, you guys.
Barry: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Harold: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before?
Barry: Try again.
Harold: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. Swindlers Employed for Tots, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. How does that sound?
Barry: No, it’s this: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Harold: Oh. My next option was to be Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Manager: Guys, quit!
Barry: Quit making quite so many quiet quilts.
Manager: Listen. The fact is that we need to get to work.
Harold: We’re here already.
Barry: What did you hear?
Harold: I heard about the Acts.
Barry: Why are you talking about a chopping tool?
Manager: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Barry: No, I’m having trouble listening.
Manager: I’ll go walk in the aisle.
Harold: You’ll have to go a ways to get to an island.
Barry: Yes, she should go away. Then we can play poker.
Manager: Has it occurred to you that you can’t play poker with only two people?
Barry: Other people can’t, but we can.
Manager: (Crosses arms.) And just why can you do that?
Harold: “U” comes before “Y”. Didn’t you study the alphabet?
Barry: No more counting!
Manager: Barry, why did you say that?
Barry: He said, “Be four.”
Manager: We need to get on a ferry-
Harold: Ha! Fairies don’t exist!
Manager: Now, the first phase of the sequence-
Barry: I’m not fazed. Not stunned at all.
Manager: That’s quite a feat.
Harold: No, “feet” is plural. “Foot” is singular.
Barry: I have feet. Last time I checked, anyway.
Manager: I will find-
Barry: Why will you fine us? We haven’t done anything.
Manager: Exactly. As a role model-
Harold: I like cinnamon rolls.
Manager: Don’t interrupt. As an example, I am going to use Isaac Newton. He was sitting under an apple tree one day and an apple fell on his head. Thus, he discovered gravity.
Barry: So doesn’t that mean that we should be outside?
Manager: You wish. We will finish this project, or else.
Harold: I’m not Finnish.
Manager: We have been asked to write a foreword for a book.
Barry: But, relatively, aren’t we all facing forward?
Manager: That’s enough! This won’t be allowed!
Harold: But it is audible.
Barry: Won’t you assent with me, or agree, that we should leave now?
Harold: Why would I climb an ascent with you?
Manager: That’s enough! Now, you need to be discreet in what information-
Barry: (Sings.) Dis Crete…, oh, dis island of Crete…
Harold: Good one.
Manager: You need therapy! I will call a doc for you!
Harold: Why? Do we need a boat?
Manager: (Hands out papers.) Now, here’s a draft-
Barry: I do feel a draft. Is the window shut all the way?
Manager: (Sighs.) Now, here are the facts.
Harold: We have a fax here? Cool! Let’s go play with it! (Harold and Barry run offstage.)
Manager: Ever have one of those days?
If you've been waiting for another script from us, wait no longer! I'm posting this one and another one, and Borrik Svenson has one he wrote, so when he posts it (glares in his direction) you'll have plenty of material!
The Revenge of the Seniors by Katie Schultz
Gun (a Nerf gun will work)
(Old is standing, but slumped over. Older is using a cane. Oldest is sitting in a wheelchair. Sensei enters.)
Sensei: Now, as part of your activities here at Pushin’ Up The Daisies Senior Center, I will teach a Tung Soo Doo class.
Oldest: But I’m in a wheelchair.
Older: And I’m using a cane.
Old: I’ve got really bad arthritis in hips; I can hardly walk.
Sensei: Well, you can all do at least a couple punches, even if you can’t do any kicks. Since we already warmed up, we’ll start with a front punch. It looks like this (does a front punch). Remember to keep your thumb from sticking out. One! (Nobody does anything.) No, no, no. When I say “One!” you punch like I just did. One! (Everyone punches.) Good. Punch so that, if you were standing opposite some who was your exact height, your fist would hit their nose. Two! (Everyone punches. Agent enters.)
Agent: Hello. I see that you are doing karate. Do you need Swindled Seniors health insurance? It’s only 3000 yen for one month’s health insurance. If you lose a leg, we help you look for it. If you die, we send a condolence card to your family. Any takers? Remember, it’s ONLY 3000 yen! This is a limited time offer- (Sensei pushes Agent out.)
Sensei: Now then, back to the lesson. Remember, put some power behind your punches! Three! (Everyone punches.)Four! (Everyone punches.)
Older: Can we stop now? It’s time for my afternoon nap.
Old: Besides, I’ve got a bridge game to go to.
Oldest: (Cups hand to ear.) What did you say?
Old: (Loudly.) Bridge! I’ve got a bridge game!
Oldest: The bridge is falling down, you say? Oh no!
Older: No! That’s not what he said!
Oldest: What are you talking about now? We need to do something about the bridge! (Sensei shrugs, leaves.) Don’t you realize what a catastrophe this is?
Old: (Really loud.) The bridge is NOT falling down. I only have a bridge game.
Oldest: Well, why didn’t you just say so?
(Old is standing, slumped over, reading a newspaper. Thug enters.)
Thug: Hey, old man. How’s it going, dude?
Old: Did you see this story about the new library?
Thug: Who cares about libraries? (Pulls out gun.) Stick ‘em down, pal.
Old: Don’t you mean, “Stick ‘em up”?
Thug: No wonder I haven’t stolen anything yet. (Holsters gun.) Let’s try this again. (Pulls out gun.) Stick ‘em up, pal.
Old: I won’t.
Thug: Tough beans, then. (Starts a front punch. Old blocks it and knocks him to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)
Old: Don’t mess with me. (Old exits.)
Thug: (Sits up, dazed.) I won’t try him again.
(Older is slowly hobbling along street. Thug enters.)
Thug: Whatcha up to, pal?
Older: Just walking to lunch to eat with some of my friends.
Thug: (Pulls out gun.) Not right now, you’re not. Put ‘em up.
Older: Remember to enunciate. Say, “them”, not “‘em”. (To himself.) Young whippersnappers! Back in my day, we had to pronounce everything right. But now, these crazy kids get away with everything! (To Thug.) Who are you, anyway?
Thug: Oscar, a representative of Swindlers R Us.
Older: Can I see your identification?
Thug: Sure. (Thug reaches into pocket. Older knocks him to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)
Older: Not the brightest crayon in the box. (Older hobbles offstage. Thug sits up, dazed.)
Thug: This feels like déjà vu.
(Oldest is sitting in wheelchair, dozing. Thug enters.)
Thug: What’s up, old man?
Oldest: The sky.
Thug: Enough with the wisecracks. Put ‘em up.
Oldest: (Cups hand to ear.) What did you say?
Thug: (Loudly.) I said, “Put ‘em up!”
Thug: (Really loudly.) Put your hands up!
Oldest: Why? Are you the police!
Thug: It doesn’t matter who you think I am! Just put your hands up!
Oldest: Younglings speak so quietly these days.
Thug: Just put your hands up! I need to rob you and get away quickly! (Oldest cups hand to ear. Thug walks closer to him to shout in his ear. Oldest punches Thug to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)
Oldest: Somebody needed to be taught a lesson! (Oldest wheels out. Thug sits up, dazed.)
Thug: Third time’s the charm! (Falls unconscious again, then gets up and exits.)
Script adapted from “You Can Fool All of the People All of the Time” by Art Buchwald
55 MPH Adapted by Katie Schultz
(Thing One enters and pretends to be driving a car. Thing Two enters and stand behind him, also driving a car.)
Thing One: Ah, a respectable 55 miles per hour.
Thing Two: Come on, Chicken Little, speed it up. If you can’t drive, get the off the road.
Thing One: It might interest you to know that I am within the established speed limit as posted along this US highway.
Thing Two: No one pays any attention to the fifty-five-mile-per-hour speed limit anymore.
Thing One: That’s where you’re wrong. There are many citizens who still observe the law of the land. It
is people like you who are a menace to society.
Thing Two: Get out of the left lane, so I can pass you.
Thing One: If I did that, sir, you would only start speeding and I would become an accessory to a crime. Why are you in such a hurry to get to your destination anyway?
Thing Two: What business is that of yours?
Thing One: I’m curious to know what you’re going to do with all the time you save going twenty miles
an hour faster than I.
Thing Two: I’m trying to get to Culpeper, Virginia, to have dinner with my mother.
Thing One: What kind of mother do you have who won’t give you dinner if you arrive twelve minutes late?
Thing Two: It’s not just me. My brother-in-law and sister and their kids are also coming.
Thing One: I’m glad they’re going to be there.
Thing Two: You don’t even know my bother-in-law and sister.
Thing One: I’m just happy your mother won’t be alone when they come for her, after you hit the wall at eighty miles per hour.
Thing Two: How do you know I’m going to do eighty miles an hour?
Thing One: From the make of your car. People don’t buy sports cars unless they can do eighty miles an hour. I never trust anyone who drives an automobile with only tow seats. He tends to be spoiled by his
Thing Two: What does my mother have to do with your hogging the left lane?
Thing One: I’m not just thinking of your mother, but of all the mothers who will suffer because of your disregard for the speeding laws. If it were only your life I wouldn’t be concerned with how fast you drive.
But somewhere up ahead is an innocent family, probably going home for Christmas, and I want them to get there in one piece.
Thing Two: It’s not the people who drive fast, but people like you who cause accidents on the highways!
Thing One: Statistics show that the fifty-five-mile speed limit has lowered the death rate by over fifteen
percent. Good heavens, man, if you don’t care for yourself, you could have some regard of the insurance companies. They have mothers, too.
Thing Two: Pull over to the side of the road and we can discuss this like men.
Thing One: I know that trick. I’m wearing a safety belt and I can see in the mirror you’re not. You’ll probably start beating me up before I can get mine unbuckled.
Thing Two: One more time, will you pull out of the left lane so I can pass you?
Thing One: I would, except that I could never enjoy my holidays if something happened to that lovely family up ahead. But I’ll do you a favor.
Thing Two: What’s that?
Thing One: If you give me your mother’s number in Culpeper, I’ll call her up on my cell phone and ask her to hold up dinner until you get there.
(Thing One and Thing Two exit.)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
This is my favorite script, out of the few that I've written. So far, people have really liked it (meaning some of my family, which is obligated to say that it's good, and our improv/acting/goof off group).
The Airs of the Toys by Katie Schultz
(Everyone enters. All but Manager sit on chairs in a circle. Manager stands by whiteboard.)
Manager: Since you guys are new, let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves. I’m Taylor and I’m the CEO of the company.
Barry: It’s hard to find a tailor these days. How much would you charge to fix this hole in my sleeve?
Manager: (sighs) My name is Taylor. What is yours?
Barry: It’s Barry.
Harold: I like those mixed-berry flavored yogurts. You must also, because your name is Barry.
Manager: You. (Points to Harold.) What is your name?
Barry: Well, at least I’m not one of those loud people who goes around yelling out what time it is.
Harold: I’d rather be that than a blueberry.
Manager: Focus, guys, focus.
Barry: Ford, guys, Ford.
Barry: You talked about a Focus, so I talked about a Ford. Ford makes Focuses.
Harold: Isn’t that Focusi?
Manager: Stop! Now, I called you all here today because this is the annual meeting of
Swindlers Employed for Tots. We have a lot-
Harold: To sell?
Harold: You said you had a lot. Where is it and how much is it? I’m interested in one.
Manager: Never mind. As I was saying, we have a bunch of work to cover today, so let’s start. First on the agenda are the heirs of the company.
Barry: Is someone stealing our air? We must stop them before we die of suffocation!
Manager: (Glares at Barry) I meant the people who will take care of the company when we die. They’ve been acting odd lately.
Harold: So would I.
Harold: I would be in a state of wonder too.
Barry: Can’t you count? Don’t you know that one comes before two?
Harold: Don’t tell me no!
Barry: Oh yeah?
Manager: Guys! Guys! Pay attention. We have stuff to do! (Draw a line on whiteboard.) Now as you can see, sales are down this quarter. Does any-
Harold: No wonder they are. We don’t sell nautical-type stuff.
Barry: How did you work 25 cents into this discussion?
Harold: Don’t you have any sense?
Barry: Do we sell perfume?
Manager: People! People!
Harold: Life! Life!
Barry: Sports Illustrated! Sports Illustrated!
Manager: Never mind. Wil-
Barry: I’ll keep the one I have, thank you very much.
Manager: (Through gritted teeth.) What is it this time?
Barry: You said never mind. I said that I’d keep my brain. It’s very handy to have around.
Harold: No, it’s not.
Barry: (to Harold) I couldn’t live without it.
Harold: (to Barry) A brain and a hand are two completely different things. Where did you go to school?
Barry: Czechoslavia. I’m a Czech.
Harold: Really? You don’t look like one. I thought a check was a relatively secure form of money.
Barry: Don’t bring your relatives into the picture.
Manager: Let’s change the subject.
Harold: Why do I need to change?
Barry: Your clothes are fine, except for the coffee stain to the right of your tie.
Harold: I didn’t write on my shirt! And I’m not from Thailand! I’m from Iowa.
Barry: Yes, you owe me five dollars.
Manager: Will you stop! (Barry and Harold look at Manager.) We have things to decide about the future of the company today. Now as I was saying (turns to whiteboard) sales are down. Partly, this is (Harold looks really sleepy and lays his head on the table.) because of the economy, and partly because there was a big recall a few months ago and people haven’t trusted us since. Besides improving the quality of our toys, what else can we do? (Turns back around.) Hey! (Walks to Harold.) Wake up! This is a meeting! Pay attention! (Reaches to Harold’s shoulder to shake him awake.)
Barry: Don’t wake him up! He’s got insomnia and he’s trying to sleep it off.
Harold: (Stretches and yawns.) Are we done yet? If we aren’t, where are the donuts?
Manager: (Turns to whiteboard and erases the line and begins writing. Barry and Harold set up a poker game and begin playing while Manager talks.) You guys! I am trying to get stuff done. If you won’t help, you can just leave. This is a toy company. We have to sell toys or we are all in deep trouble. For one thing, none of us will have a job. That means that there will be nobody will be able to feed themselves or their families. It also means that a quite a few people will be unemployed. (Turns around.) For another-hey! What are you doing?
Harold: Playing poker. See the chips?
Barry: This table is perfect for poker. We can organize the chips into the coffee ring stains. (Turns to Manager.) Do you have any guacamole chips? I always think better while eating them.
Harold: I like eating chocolate chips. I wonder how guacamole and chocolate would taste.
Barry: I don’t think it would taste that good. Try guacamole and salsa sometime.
Harold: Hmm. How about we play poker next Tuesday and you make the guacamole/salsa mixture and I’ll bring chips.
Harold: Thanks for the kind invitation, but we already have the game set up. Will you be quiet so we can concentrate? (Manager leaves in disgust. Harold and Barry high-five, pick up game and leave.)
Improv Practice written by Katie Schultz
This is based, once again, on a conversation Borrik Svenson and I had. Yes, you should worry.
Captain Dreadnaught: Want to practice improv tonight?
Borrik Svenson: No.
Bor: Too busy.
Cap: You’re always too busy.
Cap: It’s impossible to carry on a conversation with you!
Cap: We should put this into script form. (Pulls out paper and pencil, writes.) What did we say after this?
Bor: Don’t know.
Cap: Anyway, why don’t you want to practice improv?
Bor: Because I don’t want to.
Cap: But you want to improve at improv, don’t you?
Cap: So why don’t we practice now? No time like the present.
Bor: Because I’m going to be eating and I kind of like to eat instead of talk.
Cap: So you can’t carry on a conversation while eating? I don’t care if you talk with your mouth full. I’m not
picky about table manners. (Bor slurps popsicle.) Please? (Bor slurps.) Will you practice improv if I do the dishes?
Cap: Hmmm…I’ll do the dishes.
Bor: You waited too long. Due to inflation, you have to give me your allowance now too.
Cap: That’s highway robbery!
Bor: This isn’t exactly a highway.
Cap: Not all people have to be bribed to practice improv!
Cap: Do you realize that we’ve been practicing improv all this time?
Bor: No, we haven’t.
Cap: Yes, we have.
Bor: We’ve just been carrying on a conversation.
Cap: Technically, we’ve been practicing improv.
Bor: Actually, we’ve been carrying on a conversation.
Cap: (frustrated) If you’d just admit that I’m right, this could all be settled.
Bor: I’d rather swallow a live hamster.
Bor: How did this conversation start?
Cap: I, the brilliant one, wanted to practice improv. You did not.
Bor: And you say we’ve been doing improv all this time.
Cap: That’s what I said.
Bor: So, you stole improv practice from me.
Bor: I’ll have to contact my insurance company.
Cap: No, you misunderstood. I…uhh…
Bor: See? I win.
Cap: Now wait a minute!
Bor: Nope. I won. (Exits.)
Cap: Sore loser. (Exits.)