The Airs of the Toys by Katie Schultz
(Everyone enters. All but Manager sit on chairs in a circle. Manager stands by whiteboard.)
Manager: Since you guys are new, let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves. I’m Taylor and I’m the CEO of the company.
Barry: It’s hard to find a tailor these days. How much would you charge to fix this hole in my sleeve?
Manager: (sighs) My name is Taylor. What is yours?
Barry: It’s Barry.
Harold: I like those mixed-berry flavored yogurts. You must also, because your name is Barry.
Manager: You. (Points to Harold.) What is your name?
Barry: Well, at least I’m not one of those loud people who goes around yelling out what time it is.
Harold: I’d rather be that than a blueberry.
Manager: Focus, guys, focus.
Barry: Ford, guys, Ford.
Barry: You talked about a Focus, so I talked about a Ford. Ford makes Focuses.
Harold: Isn’t that Focusi?
Manager: Stop! Now, I called you all here today because this is the annual meeting of
Swindlers Employed for Tots. We have a lot-
Harold: To sell?
Harold: You said you had a lot. Where is it and how much is it? I’m interested in one.
Manager: Never mind. As I was saying, we have a bunch of work to cover today, so let’s start. First on the agenda are the heirs of the company.
Barry: Is someone stealing our air? We must stop them before we die of suffocation!
Manager: (Glares at Barry) I meant the people who will take care of the company when we die. They’ve been acting odd lately.
Harold: So would I.
Harold: I would be in a state of wonder too.
Barry: Can’t you count? Don’t you know that one comes before two?
Harold: Don’t tell me no!
Barry: Oh yeah?
Manager: Guys! Guys! Pay attention. We have stuff to do! (Draw a line on whiteboard.) Now as you can see, sales are down this quarter. Does any-
Harold: No wonder they are. We don’t sell nautical-type stuff.
Barry: How did you work 25 cents into this discussion?
Harold: Don’t you have any sense?
Barry: Do we sell perfume?
Manager: People! People!
Harold: Life! Life!
Barry: Sports Illustrated! Sports Illustrated!
Manager: Never mind. Wil-
Barry: I’ll keep the one I have, thank you very much.
Manager: (Through gritted teeth.) What is it this time?
Barry: You said never mind. I said that I’d keep my brain. It’s very handy to have around.
Harold: No, it’s not.
Barry: (to Harold) I couldn’t live without it.
Harold: (to Barry) A brain and a hand are two completely different things. Where did you go to school?
Barry: Czechoslavia. I’m a Czech.
Harold: Really? You don’t look like one. I thought a check was a relatively secure form of money.
Barry: Don’t bring your relatives into the picture.
Manager: Let’s change the subject.
Harold: Why do I need to change?
Barry: Your clothes are fine, except for the coffee stain to the right of your tie.
Harold: I didn’t write on my shirt! And I’m not from Thailand! I’m from Iowa.
Barry: Yes, you owe me five dollars.
Manager: Will you stop! (Barry and Harold look at Manager.) We have things to decide about the future of the company today. Now as I was saying (turns to whiteboard) sales are down. Partly, this is (Harold looks really sleepy and lays his head on the table.) because of the economy, and partly because there was a big recall a few months ago and people haven’t trusted us since. Besides improving the quality of our toys, what else can we do? (Turns back around.) Hey! (Walks to Harold.) Wake up! This is a meeting! Pay attention! (Reaches to Harold’s shoulder to shake him awake.)
Barry: Don’t wake him up! He’s got insomnia and he’s trying to sleep it off.
Harold: (Stretches and yawns.) Are we done yet? If we aren’t, where are the donuts?
Manager: (Turns to whiteboard and erases the line and begins writing. Barry and Harold set up a poker game and begin playing while Manager talks.) You guys! I am trying to get stuff done. If you won’t help, you can just leave. This is a toy company. We have to sell toys or we are all in deep trouble. For one thing, none of us will have a job. That means that there will be nobody will be able to feed themselves or their families. It also means that a quite a few people will be unemployed. (Turns around.) For another-hey! What are you doing?
Harold: Playing poker. See the chips?
Barry: This table is perfect for poker. We can organize the chips into the coffee ring stains. (Turns to Manager.) Do you have any guacamole chips? I always think better while eating them.
Harold: I like eating chocolate chips. I wonder how guacamole and chocolate would taste.
Barry: I don’t think it would taste that good. Try guacamole and salsa sometime.
Harold: Hmm. How about we play poker next Tuesday and you make the guacamole/salsa mixture and I’ll bring chips.
Harold: Thanks for the kind invitation, but we already have the game set up. Will you be quiet so we can concentrate? (Manager leaves in disgust. Harold and Barry high-five, pick up game and leave.)