I wrote another script! This one has a similar premise to The Airs of The Toys, along with lots of puns, but this one only calls for two people!
Oh, and our performance went well. Or at least, we all survived. If we have time and enough new scripts, we'll probably do another performance next year.
The Interview by Katie Schultz
(Anne is sitting behind a desk. Bob enters and sits in a chair on the other side of the desk.)
Anne: My name is Anne.
Bob: Anne what?
Anne: What do you mean?
Bob: An orange? An elephant?
Anne: (glares) What is your name?
Bob: (oblivious) Bob. Bob White. My parents thought it was funny.
Anne: I never get the sane ones! To see if you’re the one we want for this job, I’m going to ask you some questions. They won’t just test your job skills; they’ll also test your logic. Also-
Bob: Can we get on with this already?
Anne: It’s a good idea not to interrupt.
Anne: Now then. Question 1: In New York City, there is a billboard advertising a newspaper. What would you do?
Bob: Hmm…call it a sign of the Times.
Anne: Okay…A man dug a hole, but didn’t dig it deep enough. What would you do?
Bob: Tell the man it was a grave mistake.
Anne: A man was plowing a grain product into a field. If you were-
Bob: He was a flower plower.
Anne: Please, don’t mention it again. Anyway: A head cook started a florist’s shop. Would you-
Bob: Chief Chef Sheaf.
Bob: Chief, because he was the head of whatever. Chef, because he was a cook. And sheaf, because he
was starting a florist’s shop.
Anne: Moving on…If you drove through a town named Ohm-
Bob: No place like Ohm.
Anne: Yes…umm…well. If you bought a jacket made of chain letters, what would you do with it?
Bob: I wouldn’t buy a chainmail coat.
Anne: Please, just stop!
Bob: Stop what?
Anne: The puns! They make me sick! (groans) Oh, never mind. If you were tutoring a little boy in math who like things about the army, what would you tell the boy to convince him to do his work?
Bob: Divide and conquer.
Anne: A mama pig took her son to the store. When her son saw the latest toy, he started yelling for it.
The mama pig took him home.
*Bob: And the little pig went “Wii, Wii, Wii,” all the way home.
Anne: (sighs) A man was trying to decide whether to get honeybees. How would you help him?
Bob: Tell him to bee or not to bee.
Anne: (short pause) If a window-
Bob: Has cramps, what is it called? Pains of glass.
Anne: Please, just stop.
Anne: I’m trying to ask you questions!
Bob: I know that.
Anne: (rubs forehead like she’s trying to get rid of a headache) If a
neurosurgeon is operating on a patient-
Bob: Who else would he operate on?
Anne: Quit interrupting! If a neurosurgeon is operating on a patient, what-
Bob: It’s an unnerving experience.
Anne: If a fake tree is the same on both sides-
Bob: It’s symmetry sim-a-tree!
Anne: During roll call, what is a teacher-
Bob: A name caller.
Anne: If a man is driving-
Bob: A multi-passenger vehicle and his clothes are ripped and he has wrinkles, what is he? Rip Van Wrinkle.
Anne: (moans) Please, just show mercy.
Bob: What’s the next pun-er, question?
Anne: If an eastern Mongolian tribe gets a commemorative sign-
Bob: It’s a plaque of the Tartars!
Anne (pulls out aspirin bottle and takes a few)
Bob: If a person is performing while standing on a dictionary, what are they called? A play on words! (laughs)
Anne: Last question. (mutters) Finally! (normal voice) If a rabbit is sitting on the front part of my wagon-
Bob: You’ve got a hare on your tongue!
Anne: That’s all the questions. (stands) I have never had the opportunity to (sarcastically) enjoy (normal voice) such company as yours.
Bob: (exits, then enters again) You know, I feel sorry for Atlas. He never felt like he was on top of the world. (exits)
Anne: (takes rest of aspirin, exits)