Saturday, January 22, 2011

Cat-Toast script

I had actually written this script a few months ago, but it wasn't until now that I remembered that I hadn't posted it yet and I was online at the time I remembered it. So here you are. Enjoy.

P.S.: If you would like to use this script, please read the "Read This First!" page.


Scientist Fred

Scientist George

Scientist Sam

Scientist Bob

Scientist Doodah



Whiteboard marker

Papers (to use for Fred’s notes)

4 chairs


Scientist George should always talk in big words.

Scientist Sam should do nothing but translate George’s big words.

Scientist Doodah has an inferiority complex.

Scientist Bob should always act mean and gruff.

Scientist Fred is the chairman and has no real quirks.

(Scene starts with all scientists except Fred sitting in front of a whiteboard. Scientist Fred enters)

Fred: Good afternoon, fellow scientists. I suppose you’re wondering why I called you all to this meeting.

Bob: Yes, yes, cut the chatter. I have some important experiments to perform as soon as you’re done.

George: I am possessed of the utmost certainty that Scientist Bob can abnegate his experiments until Scientist Fred adumbrates his supposedly salubrious discovery.

(All look at Sam)

Sam: Be quiet, you meanie. Your experiments can wait until Fred outlines his research.

George: Scientist Fred.

Fred: Yes, umm….well. Anyway, as Scientist George said, I have recently made a discovery which I am sure will benefit society. (Sketches a piece of toast on the whiteboard) As we all know, if a piece of toast is dropped on the floor, it will inevitably land butter side down. (Sketches a cat on the whiteboard) We also know that if a cat is dropped, it will also inevitably land on all four paws. (Puts a plus sign in between the sketches) So, if we combine the two, and add in a little duct tape to hold them together-

Bob: (Sarcastically) Of course.

Fred: -then, due to the conflicting nature of the two objects, we would defy gravity.


George: I say we defenestrate the idea immediately.

(All look at Sam)

Sam: Chuck it out the window, bub.

Fred: But can’t you see the possibilities of this discovery?

Bob: Yeah, right. Like what? Anti-gravity? Come on, that’s it?

Fred: Quit reading my notes. In fact, that is one application. Just think! Anti-gravity! The industries that could profit from it! The cities that could be improved! The lives that could be changed! In fact, I challenge all of you to think of just one industry that would NOT profit from it.


Bob: Garbage collectors.

Fred: Okay, fine. There’s one. But look at this! (Gestures to whiteboard) Due to the way that these objects are combined, not only would they defy gravity, but they would also spin.

George: Merely an extraneous detail.

(All look at Sam)

Sam: What, more fluff?

Fred: (Shakes head and sighs) You guys-


Fred: You scientists just don’t seem to get it. Don’t you realize what this means? Think, gu- er, scientists, THINK!


Doodah: Oh, my head.

Bob: Yes, unfortunately, it’s still there.

Fred: Be quiet, Scientist Bob. (To Doodah) Ahh, there you are. I was starting to wonder if you were still alive back there.

Doodah: Huh? Oh, yes, yes, Scientist Fred, I’m still here. Ready to do whatever you need, as always.

Fred: Good. In fact, I need you right now. Scientist Sam, why don’t you go with Doodah and bring back Sample 3349-B from that pond that we get our aquatic samples from.

(Scientists Sam and Doodah start to leave)

Sam: Which sample?

Fred: 3349-B.

Sam: Which sample?

Fred: 3349-B.

Sam: Which sample?


Sam: Got it! (Exits)

Fred: Finally! I was starting to wonder if he was ever going to understand.

George: But now to return to the point of our extricated debate which we were before our disembarkation.

(All look at the spot where Sam was sitting)

Fred: SAM!!

(Sam runs in)

Sam: Let’s get back to where we were before this rabbit hunt. (Exits)

Fred: Yes, anyway. The spinning motion of the two objects would be used to generate… free energy.

Bob & George: (in unison) Free energy?

Fred: Yes. Free energy. Think of it! Free energy! Wind turbines would be a thing of the past! Nuclear power would be instantly outdated! With these little, ummm… cat-toast thingies, we could power generators! We could build trains that run off thousands of these cat-toast thingies! No need for the tedious, exhausting labor of laying railroad tracks!

George: What a salubrious discovery! We will be lionized in the public opinion! Those intransigent environmentalists will adore us!

Bob: Of course, you know that the A.S.P.C.A. is going to come down hard on us for this one.

Fred: Yes, yes. All those details will be worked out later.

(Sam runs in, breathless and frightened)

Bob: What’s going on there, Sam? And where’s Doodah?

(pause while Sam gets his breath back)

Sam: (sings) Somebody fell in the lake and drowned!

Fred, George and Bob: (in unison) Doodah, Dooda – OH!!!

(All scientists run offstage)