Friday, September 23, 2011


I think this is the way the casting will stay. There are no guarantees in this business, however! This is also the order the scripts will be in the performance.

Battle Planning
Darth Vader...Robert
Adolf Hitler...Billy
General Custer...Shane
Hitler's mom...Rachel
The Force...Adam
(Note: We are not having any extra Nazis or Storm Troopers running about here.)

Now we'll drag somebody else in to play a quick song on the piano.

The Interview
Bob White...Adam

The Revenge of the Seniors

The Philosophies of Play-Doh


Behind the Scenes Take Two

Nathan will be doing the lights and Penelope will do our slideshow again!

Acting group members: MEMORIZE YOUR SCRIPTS!
Everyone else: Enjoy your weekend!    

The Philosophies of Play-Doh

Here's another script I whipped up. This one also came from a conversation between Borrik Svenson and I (anyone notice a pattern here?). Also, it sounds like we'll be performing again (I'm not completely sure when). After the casting is settled, I'll post it here.

The Philosophies of Play-Doh by Katie Schultz


4 chairs
Stack of papers

(Prof is sitting at table, looking through stack of papers.)

Prof: Finally! My last semester! Retirement is in sight! I won’t have to teach every Tom, Dick, and Harry to appreciate the classics!

(Tom enters and sits.)

Tom: Hi ya. I guess I’m kinda early.

Prof: (looks at watch) Only five minutes. You’re cutting it pretty close.

Tom: Well, I had to finish watching Star Wars! It’s a classic!

(Dick enters and sits.)

Dick: What’s this about Star Wars?

Tom: I was just telling Dr. Whats’isname that it’s a classic!

Dick: You’ve got that right!

Prof: Have a seat. We’ll wait for (glances at watch) two more minutes. (mutters) If my students actually got places a little earlier, maybe we could start on time!

Tom: (To Dick) I’ve got Jones in speech. Boy, is he tough! He expects me to do the assignments and return them to him in only a week!

Dick: I know! I had him last semester.

(Harry enters and sits.)

Prof: Welcome, everyone. Let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves. You can call me Professor Hertz.

Tom: I’m Tom.

Dick: I’m Dick.

Harry: I’m Harry.

Prof: I’m glad that you’re all here today. (Hands out papers) This is the course syllabus. We’ll be selecting four novels from the list provided. We’ll read a book every four weeks and talk about it. At the end of the course, you’ll write an analysis of your favorite one. Any questions?

Tom: I see you have David Ironfield on this list. Don’t you think it’s a bit heavy?

Prof: No.

Harry: The Philosophies of Play-Doh. Isn’t that a bit light?

Prof: I didn’t put- oh. You mean The Philosophies of Plato. That’s one of my favorite ones.

Dick: You have Toby Dick. That’s my name! Did someone write an illegal biography?

Prof: (sighs) This will be a long semester. From looking at the titles, can you see any that you really want to read?

Tom:  Nope.

Prof: So what books are least objectionable to you?

Tom: Actually, they’re all pretty bad.

Prof: This will be a very long semester. Look. You have to pass this class. To do that, you have to pick four books, write an analysis about one of them, and get an A on said analysis. Got it?

Harry: Look. How about we read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, then watch the movie and eat popcorn?

Dick: I vote we make it corn chips.

Prof: No! I’m paid to teach you to appreciate the classics. I’m going to make you love the classics, whether you want to or not! (short pause) Now then. Let’s read Starship Down, Small Expectations, War and Pieces of Pie, and Non-Gender Specific, African-American Family Robinson. Got it?

Tom: I have small expectations.

Prof: Good. Then you won’t have to buy it. Now then, we’ll start with-

(Tom gets up to leave)

Prof: Where are you going?

Tom: Gotta fly. My soap “This is Your Wife” is on now. (Exits)

Dick: Oh, thanks for the reminder. (Gets up) “As the Stomach Churns” is on. (Exits)

Prof: (looks at Harry) I suppose you have a show to watch too?

Harry: Yup. They’re showing “Rocky and Bullwinkle”, and I just have to see it. (Exits)

Prof: Chinese water torture is nothing compared to teaching. (Exits)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Behind the Scenes Take Two

This script is a heavily modified version of Behind the Scenes. This script also takes only 5 people instead of 6.

Behind the Scenes Take Two by Katie Schultz


5 chairs
Pick Me Up book
2 plates of cookies
Whiteboard marker
Whiteboard eraser

(Katie and Will enter and sit down. Table has Pick Me Up and a plate of cookies on it.)

Katie: So when do you think everyone will get here?

Will: Practice starts at 2, right?

Katie: (nods)

Will: So Adam and Robert will probably get here about 2:20, and Billy at about 2:35.

Katie. Okay. I bet a Hershey’s bar that Adam and Robert will get here at 2:15, and Billy at 2:30.

Will: That’s too optimistic.

(Knocking backstage.)

Will: It’s Adam and Robert.

Katie: Ha! I won the bet!

Will: Not according to my watch.

(More knocking backstage. Will gets up and answers door. Will, Adam, and Robert enter and sit. Robert picks up and begins reading Pick Me Up.)

Katie: Shall we start doing improv?

Adam: But we can’t do it without Billy.

Katie (sighs) It’s possible to do improv when one of the people in this group is missing. Also, if we do improv, we can have some cookies Mom made. (holds up plate of cookies)

Robert: I love this book! (holds book so audience can see cover)

(short pause)

Will: Moving on…

Katie: Yes. Now, the first script we should practice-

(Knocking at door)

Katie: I’ll get it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness, and I love arguing with them. Be right back. (she leaves)

Will: (yells after her) But it’s MY turn!

Adam: You guys are nuts.

Will: Yes, but we enjoy it.

Adam: So are we going to play Capture the Flag?

Will: I don’t know.

Robert: Did you know that Russia has more billionaires than any country except the US and Germany?

Adam: Hand me the book.

Robert: What?

Adam: (grabs book and puts it backstage) There.

Robert: But it says “Pick Me Up”.

Katie: (enters) That was fun! I wish they came out here more often!

Robert: What did you do?

Katie: Deconstructed all his theories, showed him where the leaps of logic were, and sent him on his way.

(Knocking at door)

Will: My turn! (exits, comes back with Billy, both sit. Billy puts plate of cookies on table.)

Billy: Hi all. My mom said to bring these cookies to you. If there are any left, she’s gonna kill me.

Adam: So we eat as much as we can hold?

Billy: Yup.

Will: (glares at Adam) Like that time we had cookies a few months ago and you ate, like, ten?

Adam: They were good cookies!

Robert: They might have been, but we’ll never know because you ate them all. You even ate the plate!

Katie: Focus, guys, focus.

Robert: Ford, guys, Ford! I love that line!

Katie: I can’t believe you still know it. Anyway, we have work to do. Did anyone practice their scripts this week? (silence) Nobody? What am I going to do with you?

Adam: Give us your mom’s cookies?

Katie: Aspirin, aspirin, my kingdom for an aspirin!

(Billy walks behind whiteboard. Will starts drawing lungs.)

Billy: They look like scissors.

Adam: You’ve got scissors for lungs?

Will: Had any stabbing pains lately?

Robert: Where’s his heart?

Adam: He’s heartless.

Billy: I need a gallbladder.

Katie: No, you don’t. You don’t have any gall.

Will: Let’s see…liver, pancreas, wait. What does a pancreas look like?

Billy: This is very educational.

Adam: Should he have a spleen?

Will: Probably. He should also have a small intestine. There’s no room for the large one.

Robert: He needs a stomach. But since you don’t have any room, I think you’ll have to put his lungs inside his stomach.

Katie: That’s some pretty severe acid reflux!

Will: Let’s see…in your stomach you have a whole apple core, a baseball, and a hammer. (hands Billy a cookie) Here you go.

Billy: Is this your mom’s or my mom’s?

Adam: Who cares?

Will: (steps back) Wow. You are messed up, dude.

Katie: I hate to interrupt you guys, but we really need to start working on scripts.

Adam: NOOOO!

Katie: Come on, Adam. It’s not that hard. Besides, the sooner we get done, the sooner we can do improv or play Capture the Flag, whichever we choose.

Will: I thought we were already doing improv.

(Will and Billy sit down)

Robert and Adam: Me too.

Billy: All right. Let’s get those scripts done. Then we can go play Capture the Flag.

Robert: Do we have bandanas?

Billy: I’ve got one. I asked Bobby for the other one and he said some very mean things about me.

Will: I think we’ve got one. Don’t we, Katie?

Katie: Probably. But we can only play Capture the Flag if we do the scripts.

(Everyone groans.)

Katie: Adam, Robert, Billy, let’s do the Journalism script. Will, watch what we do and point out where it could be better. Why don’t you laugh at certain places too, so we get used to waiting for the audience’s reaction?

Adam: Why don’t we just go outside now?

Will: We might as well.

Billy: We could practice outside.

Katie: No, we get really distracted when we’re out there. Let’s just do these scripts, then we can goof off.

Adam: Let’s vote for team captains!

Katie: Now?! But we’ve got stuff to do!

Adam: Yes, we do. Put on your shoes, everyone, and let’s go! (Will, Billy, Adam, and Robert exit)

Katie: Trying to convince teenagers to focus is like trying to nail Jello to a tree! (exits)

To Empty the Trash

Here's a quick script I whipped up, once again due to a conversation with Borrik Svenson. Enjoy!

To Empty the Trash by Katie Schultz


2 chairs

(Cameron and Sabine enter and sit down.)

Sabine: Let’s get started. Mom asked us to empty the trash.

Cameron: To do that, we’ll need a meeting to discuss planning and the budget.

Sabine: We’ll also need committees for both of those.

Cameron: We should probably write this down.

Sabine: I’m recording it so my secretary can transcribe it.

Cameron: Who’s your secretary?

Sabine: You. We’ll also need to talk to the CFO, and possibly hire some temps.

Cameron: Why not hire interns?

Sabine: Temps are more fun. We need to clear this whole project with the environmental and special-interest groups too. Oh! We’ll need to hire a lawyer to write a non-discrimination hiring thingamajig. Let’s make him a temp too.

Cameron: Okay. We’ll also need to rent or buy an office building.

Sabine: I figured we’d have to do that, so I looked at a couple. The one that sounds best is currently having the bathrooms renovated, so we won’t be able to move in immediately.

Cameron: Why are they redoing the bathrooms?

Sabine: Apparently the dimensions for a handicapped stall changed.

Cameron: Oh.

Sabine: We’ll also need to redo the parking lot. It’s in bad shape.

Cameron: Okay. Let’s get that kind of pavement that has milk jugs in it.

Sabine: Milk jugs?

Cameron: Sometimes they put milk jugs in the pavement when it’s still soft. It keeps it in better shape longer.

Sabine: Okay. We’ll also have to have a forest trail, tennis courts and a gym put in for the employees.

Cameron: Let’s put in a Capture the Flag area too.

Sabine: Sounds good to me. I think we’ll get a shuttle to go from the new building to the old building.

Cameron: A space shuttle?

Sabine: Why not?

Cameron: We can have some people set up a server at the building.

Sabine: The building isn’t equipped with internet, so we’ll have to have that installed.

Cameron: What kind of office supplies will we need?

Sabine: I think we should go down to Staples and OfficeMax and buy all their stock. It’s better to have too much than not enough.

Cameron: Make sure we get enough Post-It Notes and whiteboards. They’re fun!

Sabine: I will. Did you know that dry-erase markers come in 30 colors?

Cameron: Nope. Say, what rough estimate are we up to now?

Sabine: I think it’s about 4 million, plus the space shuttle. Do you have anything else to say, or shall we present our report to the CEO?

Cameron: Let’s go. No time like the present.

(Both exit.)