55 MPH

Script adapted from “You Can Fool All of the People All of the Time” by Art Buchwald

55 MPH Adapted by Katie Schultz

Characters:

Thing One

Thing Two

(Thing One enters and pretends to be driving a car. Thing Two enters and stand behind him, also driving a car.)

Thing One: Ah, a respectable 55 miles per hour.

Thing Two: Come on, Chicken Little, speed it up. If you can’t drive, get the off the road.

Thing One: It might interest you to know that I am within the established speed limit as posted along this US highway.

Thing Two: No one pays any attention to the fifty-five-mile-per-hour speed limit anymore.

Thing One: That’s where you’re wrong. There are many citizens who still observe the law of the land. It

is people like you who are a menace to society.

Thing Two: Get out of the left lane, so I can pass you.

Thing One: If I did that, sir, you would only start speeding and I would become an accessory to a crime. Why are you in such a hurry to get to your destination anyway?

Thing Two: What business is that of yours?

Thing One:  I’m curious to know what you’re going to do with all the time you save going twenty miles

an hour faster than I.

Thing Two: I’m trying to get to Culpeper, Virginia, to have dinner with my mother.

Thing One: What kind of mother do you have who won’t give you dinner if you arrive twelve minutes late?

Thing Two: It’s not just me. My brother-in-law and sister and their kids are also coming.

Thing One: I’m glad they’re going to be there.

Thing Two: You don’t even know my bother-in-law and sister.

Thing One: I’m just happy your mother won’t be alone when they come for her, after you hit the wall at eighty miles per hour.

Thing Two: How do you know I’m going to do eighty miles an hour?

Thing One: From the make of your car. People don’t buy sports cars unless they can do eighty miles an hour. I never trust anyone who drives an automobile with only tow seats. He tends to be spoiled by his

mother.

Thing Two: What does my mother have to do with your hogging the left lane?

Thing One: I’m not just thinking of your mother, but of all the mothers who will suffer because of your disregard for the speeding laws. If it were only your life I wouldn’t be concerned with how fast you drive.

But somewhere up ahead is an innocent family, probably going home for Christmas, and I want them to get there in one piece.

Thing Two: It’s not the people who drive fast, but people like you who cause accidents on the highways!

Thing One: Statistics show that the fifty-five-mile speed limit has lowered the death rate by over fifteen

percent. Good heavens, man, if you don’t care for yourself, you could have some regard of the insurance companies. They have mothers, too.

Thing Two: Pull over to the side of the road and we can discuss this like men.

Thing One: I know that trick. I’m wearing a safety belt and I can see in the mirror you’re not. You’ll probably start beating me up before I can get mine unbuckled.

Thing Two: One more time, will you pull out of the left lane so I can pass you?

Thing One: I would, except that I could never enjoy my holidays if something happened to that lovely family up ahead. But I’ll do you a favor.

Thing Two: What’s that?

Thing One: If you give me your mother’s number in Culpeper, I’ll call her up on my cell phone and ask her to hold up dinner until you get there.

(Thing One and Thing Two exit.)