Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Airs of the Toys Part Two

I've been at it again! These scripts full of puns are fun to write. I might just write a Part Three (Translation: Probably).

Also, there's more stuff on the Improv Games page. If you haven't checked it in awhile, now's the time (after you read this script, of course).

The Airs of the Toys: Part Two by Katie Schultz


Two chairs
Two papers

(Manager and Barry enter. Barry sits. Manager stands at end of table.)

Manager: When is Harold going to get here?

Barry: How am I supposed to know? I’m not his keeper. (Harold enters.)

Manager: Why didn’t you come earlier?

Harold: It was too late to leave earlier.

Manager: This time, I don’t want any poker games. Understand? All right. Now, if anything is worth doing-

Barry: It would have been done already.

Manager: Come on, you guys.

Barry: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Harold: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before?

Barry: Try again.

Harold: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. Swindlers Employed for Tots, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. How does that sound?

Manager: Stop!

Barry: No, it’s this: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Harold: Oh. My next option was to be Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Manager: Guys, quit!

Barry: Quit making quite so many quiet quilts.

Manager: Listen. The fact is that we need to get to work.

Harold: We’re here already.

Barry: What did you hear?

Harold: I heard about the Acts.

Barry: Why are you talking about a chopping tool?

Manager: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

Barry: No, I’m having trouble listening.

Manager: I’ll go walk in the aisle.

Harold: You’ll have to go a ways to get to an island.

Barry: Yes, she should go away. Then we can play poker.

Manager: Has it occurred to you that you can’t play poker with only two people?

Barry: Other people can’t, but we can.

Manager: (Crosses arms.) And just why can you do that?

Harold: “U” comes before “Y”. Didn’t you study the alphabet?

Barry: No more counting!

Manager: Barry, why did you say that?

Barry: He said, “Be four.”

Manager: We need to get on a ferry-

Harold: Ha! Fairies don’t exist!

Manager: Now, the first phase of the sequence-

Barry: I’m not fazed. Not stunned at all.

Manager: That’s quite a feat.

Harold: No, “feet” is plural. “Foot” is singular.

Barry: I have feet. Last time I checked, anyway.

Manager: I will find-

Barry: Why will you fine us? We haven’t done anything.

Manager: Exactly. As a role model-

Harold: I like cinnamon rolls.

Manager: Don’t interrupt. As an example, I am going to use Isaac Newton. He was sitting under an apple tree one day and an apple fell on his head. Thus, he discovered gravity.

Barry: So doesn’t that mean that we should be outside?

Manager: You wish. We will finish this project, or else.

Harold: I’m not Finnish.

Manager: We have been asked to write a foreword for a book.

Barry: But, relatively, aren’t we all facing forward?

Manager: That’s enough! This won’t be allowed!

Harold: But it is audible.

Barry: Won’t you assent with me, or agree, that we should leave now?

Harold: Why would I climb an ascent with you?

Manager: That’s enough! Now, you need to be discreet in what information-

Barry: (Sings.) Dis Crete…, oh, dis island of Crete…

Harold: Good one.

Manager: You need therapy! I will call a doc for you!

Harold: Why? Do we need a boat?

Manager: (Hands out papers.) Now, here’s a draft-

Barry: I do feel a draft. Is the window shut all the way?

Manager: (Sighs.) Now, here are the facts.

Harold: We have a fax here? Cool! Let’s go play with it! (Harold and Barry run offstage.)

Manager: Ever have one of those days?
(Manager exits.)

The Revenge of the Seniors

If you've been waiting for another script from us, wait no longer! I'm posting this one and another one, and Borrik Svenson has one he wrote, so when he posts it (glares in his direction) you'll have plenty of material! 

The Revenge of the Seniors by Katie Schultz


Gun (a Nerf gun will work)

Scene One:
(Old is standing, but slumped over. Older is using a cane. Oldest is sitting in a wheelchair. Sensei enters.)
Sensei: Now, as part of your activities here at Pushin’ Up The Daisies Senior Center, I will teach a Tung Soo Doo class.
Oldest: But I’m in a wheelchair.
Older: And I’m using a cane.
Old: I’ve got really bad arthritis in hips; I can hardly walk.
Sensei: Well, you can all do at least a couple punches, even if you can’t do any kicks. Since we already warmed up, we’ll start with a front punch. It looks like this (does a front punch). Remember to keep your thumb from sticking out. One! (Nobody does anything.) No, no, no. When I say “One!” you punch like I just did. One! (Everyone punches.) Good. Punch so that, if you were standing opposite some who was your exact height, your fist would hit their nose. Two! (Everyone punches. Agent enters.)
Agent: Hello. I see that you are doing karate. Do you need Swindled Seniors health insurance? It’s only 3000 yen for one month’s health insurance. If you lose a leg, we help you look for it. If you die, we send a condolence card to your family. Any takers? Remember, it’s ONLY 3000 yen! This is a limited time offer- (Sensei pushes Agent out.)
Sensei: Now then, back to the lesson. Remember, put some power behind your punches! Three! (Everyone punches.)Four! (Everyone punches.)
Older: Can we stop now? It’s time for my afternoon nap.
Old: Besides, I’ve got a bridge game to go to.
Oldest: (Cups hand to ear.) What did you say?
Old: (Loudly.) Bridge! I’ve got a bridge game!
Oldest: The bridge is falling down, you say? Oh no!
Older: No! That’s not what he said!
Oldest: What are you talking about now? We need to do something about the bridge! (Sensei shrugs, leaves.) Don’t you realize what a catastrophe this is?
Old: (Really loud.) The bridge is NOT falling down. I only have a bridge game.
Oldest: Well, why didn’t you just say so?
(All exit.)

Scene Two:
(Old is standing, slumped over, reading a newspaper. Thug enters.)
Thug: Hey, old man. How’s it going, dude?
Old: Did you see this story about the new library?
Thug: Who cares about libraries? (Pulls out gun.) Stick ‘em down, pal.
Old: Don’t you mean, “Stick ‘em up”?
Thug: No wonder I haven’t stolen anything yet. (Holsters gun.) Let’s try this again. (Pulls out gun.) Stick ‘em up, pal.
Old: I won’t.
Thug: Tough beans, then. (Starts a front punch. Old blocks it and knocks him to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)
Old: Don’t mess with me. (Old exits.)
Thug: (Sits up, dazed.) I won’t try him again.
(Thug exits.)

Scene Three:
(Older is slowly hobbling along street. Thug enters.)
Thug: Whatcha up to, pal?
Older: Just walking to lunch to eat with some of my friends.
Thug: (Pulls out gun.) Not right now, you’re not. Put ‘em up.
Older: Remember to enunciate. Say, “them”, not “‘em”. (To himself.) Young whippersnappers! Back in my day, we had to pronounce everything right. But now, these crazy kids get away with everything! (To Thug.) Who are you, anyway?
Thug: Oscar, a representative of Swindlers R Us.
Older: Can I see your identification?
Thug: Sure. (Thug reaches into pocket. Older knocks him to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)
Older: Not the brightest crayon in the box. (Older hobbles offstage. Thug sits up, dazed.)
Thug: This feels like déjà vu.
(Thug exits.)

Scene Four:
(Oldest is sitting in wheelchair, dozing. Thug enters.)
Thug: What’s up, old man?
Oldest: The sky.
Thug: Enough with the wisecracks. Put ‘em up.
Oldest: (Cups hand to ear.) What did you say?
Thug: (Loudly.) I said, “Put ‘em up!”
Oldest: Eh?
Thug: (Really loudly.) Put your hands up!
Oldest: Why? Are you the police!
Thug: It doesn’t matter who you think I am! Just put your hands up!
Oldest: Younglings speak so quietly these days.
Thug: Just put your hands up! I need to rob you and get away quickly! (Oldest cups hand to ear. Thug walks closer to him to shout in his ear. Oldest punches Thug to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)
Oldest: Somebody needed to be taught a lesson! (Oldest wheels out. Thug sits up, dazed.)
Thug: Third time’s the charm! (Falls unconscious again, then gets up and exits.)

55 MPH

Script adapted from “You Can Fool All of the People All of the Time” by Art Buchwald

55 MPH Adapted by Katie Schultz

Thing One
Thing Two

(Thing One enters and pretends to be driving a car. Thing Two enters and stand behind him, also driving a car.)

Thing One: Ah, a respectable 55 miles per hour.

Thing Two: Come on, Chicken Little, speed it up. If you can’t drive, get the off the road.

Thing One: It might interest you to know that I am within the established speed limit as posted along this US highway.

Thing Two: No one pays any attention to the fifty-five-mile-per-hour speed limit anymore.

Thing One: That’s where you’re wrong. There are many citizens who still observe the law of the land. It
is people like you who are a menace to society.

Thing Two: Get out of the left lane, so I can pass you.

Thing One: If I did that, sir, you would only start speeding and I would become an accessory to a crime. Why are you in such a hurry to get to your destination anyway?

Thing Two: What business is that of yours?

Thing One:  I’m curious to know what you’re going to do with all the time you save going twenty miles
an hour faster than I.

Thing Two: I’m trying to get to Culpeper, Virginia, to have dinner with my mother.

Thing One: What kind of mother do you have who won’t give you dinner if you arrive twelve minutes late?

Thing Two: It’s not just me. My brother-in-law and sister and their kids are also coming.

Thing One: I’m glad they’re going to be there.

Thing Two: You don’t even know my bother-in-law and sister.

Thing One: I’m just happy your mother won’t be alone when they come for her, after you hit the wall at eighty miles per hour.

Thing Two: How do you know I’m going to do eighty miles an hour?

Thing One: From the make of your car. People don’t buy sports cars unless they can do eighty miles an hour. I never trust anyone who drives an automobile with only tow seats. He tends to be spoiled by his

Thing Two: What does my mother have to do with your hogging the left lane?

Thing One: I’m not just thinking of your mother, but of all the mothers who will suffer because of your disregard for the speeding laws. If it were only your life I wouldn’t be concerned with how fast you drive.
But somewhere up ahead is an innocent family, probably going home for Christmas, and I want them to get there in one piece.

Thing Two: It’s not the people who drive fast, but people like you who cause accidents on the highways!

Thing One: Statistics show that the fifty-five-mile speed limit has lowered the death rate by over fifteen
percent. Good heavens, man, if you don’t care for yourself, you could have some regard of the insurance companies. They have mothers, too.

Thing Two: Pull over to the side of the road and we can discuss this like men.

Thing One: I know that trick. I’m wearing a safety belt and I can see in the mirror you’re not. You’ll probably start beating me up before I can get mine unbuckled.

Thing Two: One more time, will you pull out of the left lane so I can pass you?

Thing One: I would, except that I could never enjoy my holidays if something happened to that lovely family up ahead. But I’ll do you a favor.

Thing Two: What’s that?

Thing One: If you give me your mother’s number in Culpeper, I’ll call her up on my cell phone and ask her to hold up dinner until you get there.

(Thing One and Thing Two exit.)