Cat-Toast script

I had actually written this script a few months ago, but it wasn't until now that I remembered that I hadn't posted it yet and I was online at the time I remembered it. So here you are. Enjoy.

P.S.: If you would like to use this script, please read the "Read This First!" page.

Cast:

Scientist Fred

Scientist George

Scientist Sam

Scientist Bob

Scientist Doodah

Props:

Whiteboard

Whiteboard marker

Papers (to use for Fred’s notes)

4 chairs

Notes:

Scientist George should always talk in big words.

Scientist Sam should do nothing but translate George’s big words.

Scientist Doodah has an inferiority complex.

Scientist Bob should always act mean and gruff.

Scientist Fred is the chairman and has no real quirks.

(Scene starts with all scientists except Fred sitting in front of a whiteboard. Scientist Fred enters)

Fred: Good afternoon, fellow scientists. I suppose you’re wondering why I called you all to this meeting.

Bob: Yes, yes, cut the chatter. I have some important experiments to perform as soon as you’re done.

George: I am possessed of the utmost certainty that Scientist Bob can abnegate his experiments until Scientist Fred adumbrates his supposedly salubrious discovery.

(All look at Sam)

Sam: Be quiet, you meanie. Your experiments can wait until Fred outlines his research.

George: Scientist Fred.

Fred: Yes, umm….well. Anyway, as Scientist George said, I have recently made a discovery which I am sure will benefit society. (Sketches a piece of toast on the whiteboard) As we all know, if a piece of toast is dropped on the floor, it will inevitably land butter side down. (Sketches a cat on the whiteboard) We also know that if a cat is dropped, it will also inevitably land on all four paws. (Puts a plus sign in between the sketches) So, if we combine the two, and add in a little duct tape to hold them together-

Bob: (Sarcastically) Of course.

Fred: -then, due to the conflicting nature of the two objects, we would defy gravity.

(Pause)

George: I say we defenestrate the idea immediately.

(All look at Sam)

Sam: Chuck it out the window, bub.

Fred: But can’t you see the possibilities of this discovery?

Bob: Yeah, right. Like what? Anti-gravity? Come on, that’s it?

Fred: Quit reading my notes. In fact, that is one application. Just think! Anti-gravity! The industries that could profit from it! The cities that could be improved! The lives that could be changed! In fact, I challenge all of you to think of just one industry that would NOT profit from it.

(Pause)

Bob: Garbage collectors.

Fred: Okay, fine. There’s one. But look at this! (Gestures to whiteboard) Due to the way that these objects are combined, not only would they defy gravity, but they would also spin.

George: Merely an extraneous detail.

(All look at Sam)

Sam: What, more fluff?

Fred: (Shakes head and sighs) You guys-

George: SCIENTISTS!!!

Fred: You scientists just don’t seem to get it. Don’t you realize what this means? Think, gu- er, scientists, THINK!

(Pause)

Doodah: Oh, my head.

Bob: Yes, unfortunately, it’s still there.

Fred: Be quiet, Scientist Bob. (To Doodah) Ahh, there you are. I was starting to wonder if you were still alive back there.

Doodah: Huh? Oh, yes, yes, Scientist Fred, I’m still here. Ready to do whatever you need, as always.

Fred: Good. In fact, I need you right now. Scientist Sam, why don’t you go with Doodah and bring back Sample 3349-B from that pond that we get our aquatic samples from.

(Scientists Sam and Doodah start to leave)

Sam: Which sample?

Fred: 3349-B.

Sam: Which sample?

Fred: 3349-B.

Sam: Which sample?

Fred: 3349-B! 3349-B!! THE ONE WITH THE SCRATCH ON THE SIDE AND THE MUSTARD STAIN ON IT!

Sam: Got it! (Exits)

Fred: Finally! I was starting to wonder if he was ever going to understand.

George: But now to return to the point of our extricated debate which we were before our disembarkation.

(All look at the spot where Sam was sitting)

Fred: SAM!!

(Sam runs in)

Sam: Let’s get back to where we were before this rabbit hunt. (Exits)

Fred: Yes, anyway. The spinning motion of the two objects would be used to generate… free energy.

Bob & George: (in unison) Free energy?

Fred: Yes. Free energy. Think of it! Free energy! Wind turbines would be a thing of the past! Nuclear power would be instantly outdated! With these little, ummm… cat-toast thingies, we could power generators! We could build trains that run off thousands of these cat-toast thingies! No need for the tedious, exhausting labor of laying railroad tracks!

George: What a salubrious discovery! We will be lionized in the public opinion! Those intransigent environmentalists will adore us!

Bob: Of course, you know that the A.S.P.C.A. is going to come down hard on us for this one.

Fred: Yes, yes. All those details will be worked out later.

(Sam runs in, breathless and frightened)

Bob: What’s going on there, Sam? And where’s Doodah?

(pause while Sam gets his breath back)

Sam: (sings) Somebody fell in the lake and drowned!

Fred, George and Bob: (in unison) Doodah, Dooda – OH!!!

(All scientists run offstage)

Reminder for the Readers

Oh, and remember, readers, if you want to use a script, see the Read This First! page at the top of the screen. Thanks!

The Airs of the Toys Part Three

This is the last part I'll write, I promise! These were super fun to write!

In other news, we are plotting-er, considering a performance in late spring. I've got cast lists written up. All of you who are performing will get a cast list and then you can come here and print out the scripts.

If any of you readers have ideas for scripts, submit them via the comments. Who will be the first? 

The Airs of the Toys Part Three by Katie Schultz

Cast:

Manager

Harold

Barry

Props:

Table

Two chairs

Paper

Pen/Pencil

(All enter. Harold and Barry sit on chairs. Manager stands behind table.)

Manager: (Sighs loudly.) This is the last time I’m going to come here and try to get something done!

Harold: Are you sure?

Barry: Positive?

Manager: Yes. (Harold and Barry slap high-fives.) What are you doing?

Barry: Well, we don’t have to pay attention – or do anything, really – because it doesn’t matter. This is the last time you’ll try.

Manager: Let’s try this one more time. This company, Swindlers Employed for Tots, is considering making toy phones.

Harold: So we’ll be phony?

Barry: Certainly looks like it, doesn’t it?

Manager: Barry, could your branch of the company handle the design?

Barry: I don’t have a tree, let alone a branch.

Manager: Quit driving me up trees. Now, Swindlers Employed for Tots is also making Pretty Pink Ponies-

Harold: We have horse sense?

Barry: I thought we had this discussion about sense already.

Harold: Oh, that’s right. In our first meeting.

Manager: (To self.) Breathe deeply! Breathe! Breathe! (Inhales, exhales loudly.) Now then. Swindlers Employed for Tots is partnering with another company called Spineless Books, also known as Borders Without Borders, to produce a series of books designed to encourage kids to read.

Barry: But reading is knowledge-

Harold: And knowledge is power-

Barry: Power corrupts-

Harold: Corruption is a crime-

Barry: And crime doesn’t pay-

Barry and Harold together: So if you encourage kids to read, they’ll go broke!

Harold: That won’t work very well in this economy.

Manager: Oh well. Let’s just go on to the next thing we have to cover. Barns and Nibble provided the cheese and crackers that are in the hallway by the water cooler.

Barry: Why didn’t we partner with Barns and Nibble for the book deal?

Manager: Spineless Books suggested the idea to us. We thought it best to go with them.

Harold: Do they have any backbone at all? (Scribbles on paper, drops it on floor.)

Barry: If they’re bookworms, they don’t.

Manager: Guys! We have stuff to do!

Harold: I vote we adjourn early.

Manager: The motion isn’t on the floor! (Harold points to the floor.) All right, the motion hasn’t been entertained!

Barry: No kidding. I haven’t been entertained either.

Manager: The motion hasn’t been presented!

Barry: If it had been presented, I would have seen it.

Harold: Don’t cause a scene.

Manager: Enough! (Stomps out.)

Barry: Finally. (Barry and Harold exit.)

The Airs of the Toys Part Two

I've been at it again! These scripts full of puns are fun to write. I might just write a Part Three (Translation: Probably).

Also, there's more stuff on the Improv Games page. If you haven't checked it in awhile, now's the time (after you read this script, of course).

The Airs of the Toys: Part Two by Katie Schultz

Cast:

Manager

Harold

Barry

Props:

Two chairs

Table

Two papers

(Manager and Barry enter. Barry sits. Manager stands at end of table.)

Manager: When is Harold going to get here?

Barry: How am I supposed to know? I’m not his keeper. (Harold enters.)

Manager: Why didn’t you come earlier?

Harold: It was too late to leave earlier.

Manager: This time, I don’t want any poker games. Understand? All right. Now, if anything is worth doing-

Barry: It would have been done already.

Manager: Come on, you guys.

Barry: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Harold: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before?

Barry: Try again.

Harold: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. Swindlers Employed for Tots, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. How does that sound?

Manager: Stop!

Barry: No, it’s this: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Harold: Oh. My next option was to be Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Manager: Guys, quit!

Barry: Quit making quite so many quiet quilts.

Manager: Listen. The fact is that we need to get to work.

Harold: We’re here already.

Barry: What did you hear?

Harold: I heard about the Acts.

Barry: Why are you talking about a chopping tool?

Manager: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

Barry: No, I’m having trouble listening.

Manager: I’ll go walk in the aisle.

Harold: You’ll have to go a ways to get to an island.

Barry: Yes, she should go away. Then we can play poker.

Manager: Has it occurred to you that you can’t play poker with only two people?

Barry: Other people can’t, but we can.

Manager: (Crosses arms.) And just why can you do that?

Harold: “U” comes before “Y”. Didn’t you study the alphabet?

Barry: No more counting!

Manager: Barry, why did you say that?

Barry: He said, “Be four.”

Manager: We need to get on a ferry-

Harold: Ha! Fairies don’t exist!

Manager: Now, the first phase of the sequence-

Barry: I’m not fazed. Not stunned at all.

Manager: That’s quite a feat.

Harold: No, “feet” is plural. “Foot” is singular.

Barry: I have feet. Last time I checked, anyway.

Manager: I will find-

Barry: Why will you fine us? We haven’t done anything.

Manager: Exactly. As a role model-

Harold: I like cinnamon rolls.

Manager: Don’t interrupt. As an example, I am going to use Isaac Newton. He was sitting under an apple tree one day and an apple fell on his head. Thus, he discovered gravity.

Barry: So doesn’t that mean that we should be outside?

Manager: You wish. We will finish this project, or else.

Harold: I’m not Finnish.

Manager: We have been asked to write a foreword for a book.

Barry: But, relatively, aren’t we all facing forward?

Manager: That’s enough! This won’t be allowed!

Harold: But it is audible.

Barry: Won’t you assent with me, or agree, that we should leave now?

Harold: Why would I climb an ascent with you?

Manager: That’s enough! Now, you need to be discreet in what information-

Barry: (Sings.) Dis Crete…, oh, dis island of Crete…

Harold: Good one.

Manager: You need therapy! I will call a doc for you!

Harold: Why? Do we need a boat?

Manager: (Hands out papers.) Now, here’s a draft-

Barry: I do feel a draft. Is the window shut all the way?

Manager: (Sighs.) Now, here are the facts.

Harold: We have a fax here? Cool! Let’s go play with it! (Harold and Barry run offstage.)

Manager: Ever have one of those days?

(Manager exits.)

The Revenge of the Seniors

Hello,

If you've been waiting for another script from us, wait no longer! I'm posting this one and another one, and Borrik Svenson has one he wrote, so when he posts it (glares in his direction) you'll have plenty of material! 

The Revenge of the Seniors by Katie Schultz

Cast:

Sensei

Old

Older

Oldest

Agent

Thug

Props:

Cane

Wheelchair

Newspaper

Gun (a Nerf gun will work)

Scene One:

(Old is standing, but slumped over. Older is using a cane. Oldest is sitting in a wheelchair. Sensei enters.)

Sensei: Now, as part of your activities here at Pushin’ Up The Daisies Senior Center, I will teach a Tung Soo Doo class.

Oldest: But I’m in a wheelchair.

Older: And I’m using a cane.

Old: I’ve got really bad arthritis in hips; I can hardly walk.

Sensei: Well, you can all do at least a couple punches, even if you can’t do any kicks. Since we already warmed up, we’ll start with a front punch. It looks like this (does a front punch). Remember to keep your thumb from sticking out. One! (Nobody does anything.) No, no, no. When I say “One!” you punch like I just did. One! (Everyone punches.) Good. Punch so that, if you were standing opposite some who was your exact height, your fist would hit their nose. Two! (Everyone punches. Agent enters.)

Agent: Hello. I see that you are doing karate. Do you need Swindled Seniors health insurance? It’s only 3000 yen for one month’s health insurance. If you lose a leg, we help you look for it. If you die, we send a condolence card to your family. Any takers? Remember, it’s ONLY 3000 yen! This is a limited time offer- (Sensei pushes Agent out.)

Sensei: Now then, back to the lesson. Remember, put some power behind your punches! Three! (Everyone punches.)Four! (Everyone punches.)

Older: Can we stop now? It’s time for my afternoon nap.

Old: Besides, I’ve got a bridge game to go to.

Oldest: (Cups hand to ear.) What did you say?

Old: (Loudly.) Bridge! I’ve got a bridge game!

Oldest: The bridge is falling down, you say? Oh no!

Older: No! That’s not what he said!

Oldest: What are you talking about now? We need to do something about the bridge! (Sensei shrugs, leaves.) Don’t you realize what a catastrophe this is?

Old: (Really loud.) The bridge is NOT falling down. I only have a bridge game.

Oldest: Well, why didn’t you just say so?

(All exit.)

Scene Two:

(Old is standing, slumped over, reading a newspaper. Thug enters.)

Thug: Hey, old man. How’s it going, dude?

Old: Did you see this story about the new library?

Thug: Who cares about libraries? (Pulls out gun.) Stick ‘em down, pal.

Old: Don’t you mean, “Stick ‘em up”?

Thug: No wonder I haven’t stolen anything yet. (Holsters gun.) Let’s try this again. (Pulls out gun.) Stick ‘em up, pal.

Old: I won’t.

Thug: Tough beans, then. (Starts a front punch. Old blocks it and knocks him to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)

Old: Don’t mess with me. (Old exits.)

Thug: (Sits up, dazed.) I won’t try him again.

(Thug exits.)

Scene Three:

(Older is slowly hobbling along street. Thug enters.)

Thug: Whatcha up to, pal?

Older: Just walking to lunch to eat with some of my friends.

Thug: (Pulls out gun.) Not right now, you’re not. Put ‘em up.

Older: Remember to enunciate. Say, “them”, not “‘em”. (To himself.) Young whippersnappers! Back in my day, we had to pronounce everything right. But now, these crazy kids get away with everything! (To Thug.) Who are you, anyway?

Thug: Oscar, a representative of Swindlers R Us.

Older: Can I see your identification?

Thug: Sure. (Thug reaches into pocket. Older knocks him to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)

Older: Not the brightest crayon in the box. (Older hobbles offstage. Thug sits up, dazed.)

Thug: This feels like déjà vu.

(Thug exits.)

Scene Four:

(Oldest is sitting in wheelchair, dozing. Thug enters.)

Thug: What’s up, old man?

Oldest: The sky.

Thug: Enough with the wisecracks. Put ‘em up.

Oldest: (Cups hand to ear.) What did you say?

Thug: (Loudly.) I said, “Put ‘em up!”

Oldest: Eh?

Thug: (Really loudly.) Put your hands up!

Oldest: Why? Are you the police!

Thug: It doesn’t matter who you think I am! Just put your hands up!

Oldest: Younglings speak so quietly these days.

Thug: Just put your hands up! I need to rob you and get away quickly! (Oldest cups hand to ear. Thug walks closer to him to shout in his ear. Oldest punches Thug to the ground. Thug is unconscious.)

Oldest: Somebody needed to be taught a lesson! (Oldest wheels out. Thug sits up, dazed.)

Thug: Third time’s the charm! (Falls unconscious again, then gets up and exits.)

55 MPH

Script adapted from “You Can Fool All of the People All of the Time” by Art Buchwald

55 MPH Adapted by Katie Schultz

Characters:

Thing One

Thing Two

(Thing One enters and pretends to be driving a car. Thing Two enters and stand behind him, also driving a car.)

Thing One: Ah, a respectable 55 miles per hour.

Thing Two: Come on, Chicken Little, speed it up. If you can’t drive, get the off the road.

Thing One: It might interest you to know that I am within the established speed limit as posted along this US highway.

Thing Two: No one pays any attention to the fifty-five-mile-per-hour speed limit anymore.

Thing One: That’s where you’re wrong. There are many citizens who still observe the law of the land. It

is people like you who are a menace to society.

Thing Two: Get out of the left lane, so I can pass you.

Thing One: If I did that, sir, you would only start speeding and I would become an accessory to a crime. Why are you in such a hurry to get to your destination anyway?

Thing Two: What business is that of yours?

Thing One:  I’m curious to know what you’re going to do with all the time you save going twenty miles

an hour faster than I.

Thing Two: I’m trying to get to Culpeper, Virginia, to have dinner with my mother.

Thing One: What kind of mother do you have who won’t give you dinner if you arrive twelve minutes late?

Thing Two: It’s not just me. My brother-in-law and sister and their kids are also coming.

Thing One: I’m glad they’re going to be there.

Thing Two: You don’t even know my bother-in-law and sister.

Thing One: I’m just happy your mother won’t be alone when they come for her, after you hit the wall at eighty miles per hour.

Thing Two: How do you know I’m going to do eighty miles an hour?

Thing One: From the make of your car. People don’t buy sports cars unless they can do eighty miles an hour. I never trust anyone who drives an automobile with only tow seats. He tends to be spoiled by his

mother.

Thing Two: What does my mother have to do with your hogging the left lane?

Thing One: I’m not just thinking of your mother, but of all the mothers who will suffer because of your disregard for the speeding laws. If it were only your life I wouldn’t be concerned with how fast you drive.

But somewhere up ahead is an innocent family, probably going home for Christmas, and I want them to get there in one piece.

Thing Two: It’s not the people who drive fast, but people like you who cause accidents on the highways!

Thing One: Statistics show that the fifty-five-mile speed limit has lowered the death rate by over fifteen

percent. Good heavens, man, if you don’t care for yourself, you could have some regard of the insurance companies. They have mothers, too.

Thing Two: Pull over to the side of the road and we can discuss this like men.

Thing One: I know that trick. I’m wearing a safety belt and I can see in the mirror you’re not. You’ll probably start beating me up before I can get mine unbuckled.

Thing Two: One more time, will you pull out of the left lane so I can pass you?

Thing One: I would, except that I could never enjoy my holidays if something happened to that lovely family up ahead. But I’ll do you a favor.

Thing Two: What’s that?

Thing One: If you give me your mother’s number in Culpeper, I’ll call her up on my cell phone and ask her to hold up dinner until you get there.

(Thing One and Thing Two exit.)