Florida Medical Board Call scene

This is a "transcript" of the Florida Medical Board Call scene from the Marx Brothers movie At The Races. The reason transcript is in quotes is because Borrik Svenson and I (Captain Dreadnaught) didn't agree on at least one line. (I still think know I'm right.) Anyway, for your enjoyment:

Transcript of the “Florida Telephone Call” scene from the Marx Brothers movie “A Day At The Races” transcripted by Katie and Will Schultz

Cast:

Groucho

Mr. Whitmore

(Scene starts with Grouch sitting at a desk. Mr. Whitmore is also sitting at a desk with a telephone on the other side of a wall.)

Groucho: (Picks up telephone) Get me Mr. Whitmore.

(Phone rings)

Whitmore: (Picks up phone) Hello?

Groucho: (Pinches nose and talks in a Southern female voice) This is your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.

Whitmore: All right. (Sits down at his desk)

Groucho: (Talks in a Southern female voice) Florida Medical Board. Good morning.

Whitmore: I’d like to talk to the man in charge of the records, please.

Groucho: Record department? Just a moment, sugar.

Whitmore: (Stares at the telephone in surprise for a moment before putting it back to his ear)

Groucho: (Changes to a Southern male voice) Record department. This is Colonel Hawkins talking.

Whitmore: Colonel Hawkins, did you get a wire from me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?

Groucho: I’m sorry sir, (starts fan on his desk and pushes a paper into it) but there’s a hurricane blowing down here, and you’ll have to talk a little louder. Whooooe! Sure is the windiest day we ever seen or heard! Whooo! Certainly is windy!

Whitmore: (Stars at the phone again for a bit before talking again in a louder voice) I want to know about Dr. 

Hackenbush!

Groucho: (Flips switch on the Dictagraph)

Whitmore: (Goes over to the Dictagraph and flips a switch on it, taking the phone away from his ear in the 

process) Yes?

Groucho: (Talking into the Dictaphone in his normal voice) Whitmore, you’ll have to cut out all that 

squawking! The patients are all complaining!

Whitmore: (Sits back down at his desk and puts the phone back to his ear)

Groucho: (Talking into the phone in his Southern accent) And, uh, ah hope, sir, that’s the information that you 

requiah.

Whitmore: I’m sorry, Colonel, I didn’t hear it. I was called to the Dictagraph.

Groucho: What was that you said, suh?

Whitmore: (In a louder tone) I was called to the Dictograph!

Groucho: (Flips on the Dictograph)

Whitmore: (Again goes to the Dictograph, taking the phone away from his ear in the process)

Groucho: Whitmore, one more yelp out of you and I’ll have you bounced outta here!

Whitmore: (Goes back to his desk and puts the phone back to his ear)

Groucho: And, uh, I trust, suh, that that answers your questions.

Whitmore: I’m terribly sorry, Colonel. I didn’t heah you.

Groucho: I can’t hear you. You’ll have to talk a little louder.

Whitmore: (Loudly) I want to find out something about Hackenbush!

Groucho: (Flips on the Dictagraph)

Whitmore: (Goes over to the Dictagraph, taking the phone away from his ear) (Shouts) Well, what is it now?!

Groucho: Whitmore, that’s the last time I want to warn you about that yowling!

Whitmore: (Goes back to his desk and puts the phone back to his ear)

Groucho: And, uh, in conclusion, let me see…

Whitmore: I’m sorry, Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?

Groucho: Hacken- you mean Dr. Hackenbush? Oh no, he’s not heah.

Whitmore: (In a frustrated tone) I know he’s not there. He’s HERE!

Groucho: Then what are you bothering me fo? Yankee!

Whitmore: But I want to know something about his Florida record!

Groucho: (Pinches his nose and talks in a Southern female voice) He’s your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.

Whitmore: (Yells) Will you get off the line! (Goes back to his normal voice) Hello? Hello, Colonel?

Groucho: (In a Southern male voice) Yes?

Whitmore: Are you sure you’re speaking of Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?

Groucho: Who?

Whitmore: Hugo Z. Hackenbush!

Groucho: Who’s calling ‘im?

Whitmore: (In a frustrated tone) Standish Sanitarium.

Groucho: Yeah, that’s where he works! Ah understand he’s doing a mighty fine job up there!

Whitmore: I… (Stops, and talks in a barely controlled tone) I want to get some information about his 

qualifications for the job.

Groucho: What job?

Whitmore: As Head of the Sanitarium!

Groucho: Who?

Whitmore: (Shouts) HACKENBUSH!

Groucho: (Flips on the Dictaphone)

Whitmore: (You should have the idea by now)

Groucho: Whitmore, are you calling me?

Whitmore: NO, YOU SAP!! (Goes back to his desk) Hello?

Groucho: Yes, now, what was that name?

Whitmore: Hackenbush. HACKENBUSH!!

Groucho: Uh-huh. Well, uh, as soon as he comes in, ah’ll have him get in touch with you.

Whitmore: GAAH! (Slams phone down on the receiver and leaves)

(Both exit)