Behind the Scenes script

This is a peek at what goes on during our practices. Yes, we're weird. Yes, we enjoy it.

Also, Borrik Svenson and I have a 'transcript' (we took out the 'ums' and 'ahs') coming. It'll be up here when everyone reads it, hopefully this weekend. 

Behind the Scenes

Cast:

Katie

Penelope

Will

Adam

Robert

Billy

Props:

6 chairs

Pick Me Up book

 2 plates of cookies

Whiteboard

Whiteboard marker

Whiteboard eraser

(On the table is the Pick Me Up and one plate of cookies. Katie and Penelope enter and sit down.)

Penelope: Did you make that shirt yourself?

Katie: Yes, I did. I heard you fell off a ladder yesterday.

Penelope: I fell onto concrete!

Katie: That must have hurt.

Penelope: It wouldn’t have been too bad except that I was carrying an open can of paint at the time.

(Doorbell rings.)

Katie: (yells) Will! Adam and Robert are here!

(Will, Adam, and Robert enter and sit. Robert picks up Pick Me Up and starts reading it.)

Katie: Well, shall we start doing improv?

Adam: But we can’t do it without Billy.

Katie: (groans) It’s possible to do improv when one of the people in this group is missing. Also, if we do improv, we can have some cookies Mom made (holds up plate of cookies).

Robert: I love this book (holds books so audience can see spine)!

(short pause)

Will: Moving on…

Katie: Yes. Now, the first script we should practice is the first one that Adam and Penelope are both in.

Adam: NOOOO!

Katie: You can do it, Adam. It’s not that hard.

(Doorbell rings. Will leaves and returns with Billy. Both sit.)

Billy: Hi all. My mom said to bring these cookies to you. If there are any left, she’s gonna kill me.

Adam: So eat as much as we can hold?

Billy: Yup.

Will: (glares at Adam) Like that time we had cookies a few months ago and you ate, like, ten?

Adam: They were good cookies!

(Robert giggles. Everyone turns and stares at him.)

Robert: Did you know that Russia has more billionaires than any country except the US and Germany?

(Short pause.)

Will: It’s Whiteboard Anatomy time!

(Billy walks behind board. Will starts drawing lungs.)

Billy: They look like scissors.

Adam: You’ve got scissors for lungs?

Will: Had any stabbing pains lately? Now what else are you missing?

Penelope: Where’s his heart?

Will: He’s heartless.

Billy: What about my gallbladder?

Katie: Apparently he has no gall.

Will: Let’s see…liver, pancreas…wait. What does a pancreas look like?

Billy: This is very educational.

Adam: Should he have a spleen?

Will: Probably. He should also have a small intestine. There’s no room for the large one.

Billy: I should have a thyroid.

Katie: A thyroid looks like a flutterby – er, butterfly.

Will: Oh, you need a stomach. But since we don’t have any room, we’re going to have to put your lungs inside your stomach.

Katie: That’s some pretty severe acid reflex.

Will: Let’s see…in your stomach you have a whole apple core, a baseball, and a hammer. (hands Billy a cookie) Here you go.

Billy: Is this your mom’s or my mom’s?

Will: Who cares?

Adam: Should he have some butterflies in his stomach?

Will: Oh, those too.

Robert: Wait…what are we doing?

Adam: Hand me the book.

Robert: But…but…

Adam: (takes book and hides it backstage) There.

Robert: But it says Pick Me Up. (sees Billy) Oh. Wow. You are messed up, dude.

Katie: I hate to interrupt you guys, but Adam and Penelope need to start working on their scripts.

(Penelope groans.)

Katie: Come on, you guys. It’s not that hard. Besides, the sooner we get done, the sooner we can do improv.

Will: I thought that was what we were doing.

Adam: Me too.

(Katie puts head in hands. Penelope pats her back.)

Penelope: Don’t worry, Katie. Maybe someday we’ll learn our lines and focus and-

Katie: It’s not likely.

Penelope: True.

Billy: All right. Let’s do those scripts. Then we can go play Capture the Flag.

Robert: Do we have bandanas?

Billy: I’ve got one. I asked Bobby for the other one and he said some very mean things about me.

Will: I think we’ve got one. Don’t we, Katie?

Katie: Probably. But we can only play Capture the Flag if we do the scripts.

(Everyone else groans.)

Katie: Well, let’s split up. Will, take Adam and Penelope to the kitchen and make sure they go over their scripts several times. Billy, Robert, let’s try switching parts again.

(Will, Adam, and Penelope exit.)

Billy: Which way will we switch?

Katie: Counter-clockwise.

Robert: So I’ll play Billy’s part, you’ll play my part, and Billy will play your part?

Katie: I think so.

Billy: That’s clockwise.

(Will, Adam, and Penelope enter and sit down.)

Katie: You guys are done already?

Adam: No, we just got bored.

Katie: We’ll never be ready to perform! It’s in two weeks!

Adam: Who said anything about performing? I thought we were just going to play Capture the Flag.

Robert: So why don’t we?

Billy: Okay. Let’s go outside and pick team captains.

(Everyone exits but Katie exits.)

Katie: My brother was right. Leadership IS just like herding cats.

(Katie exits.)

Journalism script

I wrote this script quite a while ago and just got it up here. Enjoy!

Journalism

Cast:

Sue

Matt

David

Props:

About a dozen loose sheets of paper

3 chairs

Table

(Sue enters and sits at table, glancing at watch impatiently. Matt and David enter and sit.)

Sue: Guys, if you’re going to succeed in the journalism business, you’re going to have to get places on time.

Matt: But better late than never.

Sue: Let’s look at the stories you came up with over the weekend. Matt, you go first.

Matt: Okay. Here’s a story about the weather: “Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.”

Sue: Is that the title you’re going to use?

Matt: Yeah.

Sue: But don’t you see the duh part of the headline?

Matt: (studies paper) Nope.

Sue: Oh well.

David: Where’s the well?

Sue: What?

David: You said oh well. That implies that you’re talking to a well.

Sue: David, what did you come up with?

David: An elderly lady had a great score in golf. “Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One.”

Sue: And are you planning on using that title?

David: Sure. Why not?

Sue: Matt, why don’t you list all the other ones you came up with?

Matt: A report on the latest strike: “If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, it May Last a While.” The Boeing 747 accident: “Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say.” Health group studies: “New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.”

David: What about my turn?

Sue: (sighs) Go ahead, David.

David: An article on cooking: “Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.” In health: “Hospitals Are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors.” The state of the schools: “Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.”

Sue: I think you guys are just trying to make life hard for me. You’ve done nothing but goof off in class since the first day!

Matt: So sue me. Get it? SUE me! (David and Matt high-five.)

Sue: (groans)

David: But you haven’t heard all the ones we came up with yet. We just haven’t written the articles to go with them. “Miners Refuse to Work after Death.”

Matt: Or “Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy.”

David: How about “Crash Courses for Private Pilots.”

Sue: Please stop!

Matt: “Filming in Cemetery Angers Residents.”

David: Oh yeah? “Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.”

Matt: Is that a challenge? “Man Recovering After Fatal Accident!”

David: Just listen to this one! “Many Antiques at Senior Citizens’ Sale!”

Matt: “March Planned for Next August!”

David: “Man Steals Clock, Faces Time!”

Sue: Enough!

David: Not yet. “Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead!”

(All exit.)

The Interview script

I wrote another script! This one has a similar premise to The Airs of The Toys, along with lots of puns, but this one only calls for two people!

Oh, and our performance went well. Or at least, we all survived. If we have time and enough new scripts, we'll probably do another performance next year. 

The Interview by Katie Schultz

Cast:

Anne

Bob White

Props:

Desk/table

Two chairs

Aspirin bottle

(Anne is sitting behind a desk. Bob enters and sits in a chair on the other side of the desk.)

Anne: My name is Anne.

Bob: Anne what?

Anne: What do you mean?

Bob: An orange? An elephant?

Anne: (glares) What is your name?

Bob: (oblivious) Bob. Bob White. My parents thought it was funny.

Anne: I never get the sane ones! To see if you’re the one we want for this job, I’m going to ask you some questions. They won’t just test your job skills; they’ll also test your logic. Also-

Bob: Can we get on with this already?

Anne: It’s a good idea not to interrupt.

Bob: Fine!

Anne: Now then. Question 1: In New York City, there is a billboard advertising a newspaper. What would you do?

Bob: Hmm…call it a sign of the Times.

Anne: Okay…A man dug a hole, but didn’t dig it deep enough. What would you do?

Bob: Tell the man it was a grave mistake.

Anne: A man was plowing a grain product into a field. If you were-

Bob: He was a flower plower.

Anne: Please, don’t mention it again. Anyway: A head cook started a florist’s shop. Would you-

Bob: Chief Chef Sheaf.

Anne: What?

Bob: Chief, because he was the head of whatever. Chef, because he was a cook. And sheaf, because he

was starting a florist’s shop.

Anne: Moving on…If you drove through a town named Ohm-

Bob: No place like Ohm.

Anne: Yes…umm…well. If you bought a jacket made of chain letters, what would you do with it?

Bob: I wouldn’t buy a chainmail coat.

Anne: Please, just stop!

Bob: Stop what?

Anne: The puns! They make me sick! (groans) Oh, never mind. If you were tutoring a little boy in math who like things about the army, what would you tell the boy to convince him to do his work?

Bob: Divide and conquer.

Anne: A mama pig took her son to the store. When her son saw the latest toy, he started yelling for it.

The mama pig took him home.

*Bob: And the little pig went “Wii, Wii, Wii,” all the way home.

Anne: (sighs) A man was trying to decide whether to get honeybees. How would you help him?

Bob: Tell him to bee or not to bee.

Anne: (short pause) If a window-

Bob: Has cramps, what is it called? Pains of glass.

Anne: Please, just stop.

Bob: Why?

Anne: I’m trying to ask you questions!

Bob: I know that.

Anne: (rubs forehead like she’s trying to get rid of a headache) If a

neurosurgeon is operating on a patient-

Bob: Who else would he operate on?

Anne: Quit interrupting! If a neurosurgeon is operating on a patient, what-

Bob: It’s an unnerving experience.

Anne: If a fake tree is the same on both sides-

Bob: It’s symmetry sim-a-tree!

Anne: During roll call, what is a teacher-

Bob: A name caller.

Anne: If a man is driving-

Bob: A multi-passenger vehicle and his clothes are ripped and he has wrinkles, what is he? Rip Van Wrinkle.

Anne: (moans) Please, just show mercy.

Bob: What’s the next pun-er, question?

Anne: If an eastern Mongolian tribe gets a commemorative sign-

Bob: It’s a plaque of the Tartars!

Anne (pulls out aspirin bottle and takes a few)

Bob: If a person is performing while standing on a dictionary, what are they called? A play on words! (laughs)

Anne: Last question. (mutters) Finally! (normal voice) If a rabbit is sitting on the front part of my wagon-

Bob: You’ve got a hare on your tongue!

Anne: That’s all the questions. (stands) I have never had the opportunity to (sarcastically) enjoy (normal voice) such company as yours.

Bob: (exits, then enters again) You know, I feel sorry for Atlas. He never felt like he was on top of the world. (exits)

Anne: (takes rest of aspirin, exits)