This is a "transcript" of the Florida Medical Board Call scene from the Marx Brothers movie At The Races. The reason transcript is in quotes is because Borrik Svenson and I (Captain Dreadnaught) didn't agree on at least one line. (I still think know I'm right.) Anyway, for your enjoyment:
Transcript of the “Florida Telephone Call” scene from the Marx Brothers movie “A Day At The Races” transcripted by Katie and Will Schultz
Cast:
Groucho
Mr. Whitmore
(Scene starts with Grouch sitting at a desk. Mr. Whitmore is also sitting at a desk with a telephone on the other side of a wall.)
Groucho: (Picks up telephone) Get me Mr. Whitmore.
(Phone rings)
Whitmore: (Picks up phone) Hello?
Groucho: (Pinches nose and talks in a Southern female voice) This is your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.
Whitmore: All right. (Sits down at his desk)
Groucho: (Talks in a Southern female voice) Florida Medical Board. Good morning.
Whitmore: I’d like to talk to the man in charge of the records, please.
Groucho: Record department? Just a moment, sugar.
Whitmore: (Stares at the telephone in surprise for a moment before putting it back to his ear)
Groucho: (Changes to a Southern male voice) Record department. This is Colonel Hawkins talking.
Whitmore: Colonel Hawkins, did you get a wire from me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?
Groucho: I’m sorry sir, (starts fan on his desk and pushes a paper into it) but there’s a hurricane blowing down here, and you’ll have to talk a little louder. Whooooe! Sure is the windiest day we ever seen or heard! Whooo! Certainly is windy!
Whitmore: (Stars at the phone again for a bit before talking again in a louder voice) I want to know about Dr.
Hackenbush!
Groucho: (Flips switch on the Dictagraph)
Whitmore: (Goes over to the Dictagraph and flips a switch on it, taking the phone away from his ear in the
process) Yes?
Groucho: (Talking into the Dictaphone in his normal voice) Whitmore, you’ll have to cut out all that
squawking! The patients are all complaining!
Whitmore: (Sits back down at his desk and puts the phone back to his ear)
Groucho: (Talking into the phone in his Southern accent) And, uh, ah hope, sir, that’s the information that you
requiah.
Whitmore: I’m sorry, Colonel, I didn’t hear it. I was called to the Dictagraph.
Groucho: What was that you said, suh?
Whitmore: (In a louder tone) I was called to the Dictograph!
Groucho: (Flips on the Dictograph)
Whitmore: (Again goes to the Dictograph, taking the phone away from his ear in the process)
Groucho: Whitmore, one more yelp out of you and I’ll have you bounced outta here!
Whitmore: (Goes back to his desk and puts the phone back to his ear)
Groucho: And, uh, I trust, suh, that that answers your questions.
Whitmore: I’m terribly sorry, Colonel. I didn’t heah you.
Groucho: I can’t hear you. You’ll have to talk a little louder.
Whitmore: (Loudly) I want to find out something about Hackenbush!
Groucho: (Flips on the Dictagraph)
Whitmore: (Goes over to the Dictagraph, taking the phone away from his ear) (Shouts) Well, what is it now?!
Groucho: Whitmore, that’s the last time I want to warn you about that yowling!
Whitmore: (Goes back to his desk and puts the phone back to his ear)
Groucho: And, uh, in conclusion, let me see…
Whitmore: I’m sorry, Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?
Groucho: Hacken- you mean Dr. Hackenbush? Oh no, he’s not heah.
Whitmore: (In a frustrated tone) I know he’s not there. He’s HERE!
Groucho: Then what are you bothering me fo? Yankee!
Whitmore: But I want to know something about his Florida record!
Groucho: (Pinches his nose and talks in a Southern female voice) He’s your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.
Whitmore: (Yells) Will you get off the line! (Goes back to his normal voice) Hello? Hello, Colonel?
Groucho: (In a Southern male voice) Yes?
Whitmore: Are you sure you’re speaking of Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?
Groucho: Who?
Whitmore: Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
Groucho: Who’s calling ‘im?
Whitmore: (In a frustrated tone) Standish Sanitarium.
Groucho: Yeah, that’s where he works! Ah understand he’s doing a mighty fine job up there!
Whitmore: I… (Stops, and talks in a barely controlled tone) I want to get some information about his
qualifications for the job.
Groucho: What job?
Whitmore: As Head of the Sanitarium!
Groucho: Who?
Whitmore: (Shouts) HACKENBUSH!
Groucho: (Flips on the Dictaphone)
Whitmore: (You should have the idea by now)
Groucho: Whitmore, are you calling me?
Whitmore: NO, YOU SAP!! (Goes back to his desk) Hello?
Groucho: Yes, now, what was that name?
Whitmore: Hackenbush. HACKENBUSH!!
Groucho: Uh-huh. Well, uh, as soon as he comes in, ah’ll have him get in touch with you.
Whitmore: GAAH! (Slams phone down on the receiver and leaves)
God vs. "Science" (made into script by Captain Dreadnaught)
Hi all,
Here is another script for your laughter and, possibly, tears. This is based on an email that has been floating around the internet for quite some time now.
The reason 'Science' is in quotes is because science does not have to be based on an evolutionary viewpoint. For more info, see: http://www.answersingenesis.org/ (A very good site. The museum was good also, especially "Men in White" in the special effects theater.)
God vs. “Science”
Characters:
Professor
One
Two
Others
Props:
Two chairs
Sign that says “Philosophy of Science 101”
Pen
(Professor stands in front of two chairs as if to begin a lecture. One and Two are each sitting in a chair. Sign on wall says “Philosophy of Science 101”.)
Professor: You’re a Christian, aren’t you?
One: Yes, sir.
Professor: So you believe in God?
One: Absolutely.
Professor: Is God good?
One: Sure! God’s good.
Professor: Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?
One: Yes.
Professor: Are you good or evil?
One: The Bible says I’m evil.
Professor: (Smirk) Aha! The Bible! (Pause) Here’s one for you. Let’s say there’s a sick person over here
and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?
One: Yes, sir, I would.
Professor: So you’re good…
One: I wouldn’t say that.
Professor: But why not say that? You’d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if
we could. But God doesn’t. (Pause, looks at One expectantly.) He doesn’t, does He? My brother was a
Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one? (Pause) No, you can’t, can you? (Pause) Let’s start again. Is God good?
One: Er…yes.
Professor: Is Satan good?
One: No.
Professor: Then where does Satan come from?
One: Umm…from God.
Professor: That’s right. God made Satan, didn’t He? Tell me. Is there evil in this world?”
One: Yes, sir.
Professor: Evil’s everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything, correct?
One: Yes.
Professor: So who created evil? (Pause) If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil. (Pause) Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?
One: (Squirming) Yes.
Professor: So who created them? (Pause, Others are mesmerized) Who created them? (Paces, turns to Two)Tell me. Do you believe in Jesus Christ?
Two: (Coughs) Yes, Professor, I do.
Professor: Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have
you ever seen Jesus?
Two: No, sir, I’ve never seen Him.
Professor: Then tell us if you’ve ever heard your Jesus.
Two: No, sir, I have not.
Professor: Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any
sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?
Two: No, sir, I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Two: Yes.
Professor: According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you have to say to that?
Two: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.
Two: (Pause) Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes, there’s heat.
Two: And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes, there’s cold too.
Two: No, sir, there isn’t. (Professor and One stare at him) You can have lots of heat, even more heat,
super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don’t have anything called “cold”. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder that the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what make a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. (Pause; one of the Others drops a pen and makes it sound like a hammer) What about darkness, Professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if it isn’t darkness?
Two: You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but it you have no light constantly you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? That’s the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor: (To audience) This will be a good semester. (To Two) So what point are you making?
Two: My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.
Professor: (Surprised) Flawed? Can you explain how?
Two: You are working with the premise of duality. You argue that there is life and then there’s death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course I do.
Two: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
Professor: (To audience) A very good semester, indeed.
Two: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your own opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher? (Others gasp, then make commotion. When commotion settles down, Two continues) To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean. (Looks around room) Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor’s brain? Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor’s brain, felt the professor’s brain, touched or smelt the professor’s brain? (Pause) No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. (Pause) So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?
Professor: (Pause, then to Two) I guess you’ll have to take them on faith.
Two: Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life. Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?
Professor: (Uncertainly) Of course, there is. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.
Two: Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.
Viaduct (transcribed by Borrik Svenson and Captain Dreadnaught)
Here is a transcript of the infamous "Viaduct" scene from the Marx Brothers movie Cocoanuts. What do you think? Borrik Svenson and I (Captain Dreadnaught) shed our blood, sweat, and tears over this. Actually, it's not quite a transcript. We changed it in quite a few places.
(Starts with Groucho walking on stage)
Groucho: (Looks to stage entrance) Come over here, I want to talk to you. (C enters) Now listen to me, I don’t want that red-headed fella running around in the lobby. If you want to keep him in your room, you’ll have to keep him in a trap.
Chico: I can’t catch him.
Groucho: Who is he?
Chico: He’s my partner, but he no speak.
Groucho: Oh, he’s your silent partner. Now I can let you have three lots bordering the front, or three lots fronting the border. That cost me $9000 and I’m going to let you have it for $15,000. Why? Because I like you.
Chico: I’m not going to buy anything.
Groucho: Why not?
Chico: I don’t gotta no money. I don’t gotta one cent.
Groucho: Then how are you going to pay for your room?
Chico: That’s your lookout.
Groucho: Oh, you’re just an idle roomer.
Chico: We come here to make money. We see the paper that says “Big boom in Florida”. So we come. We’re a couple of big booms, too.
Groucho: I’m gonna show you how to make some real money. I’m gonna hold an auction in a little while at Coconut Manor. You do know what an auction is, don’t you?
Chico: Sure. I come over from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.
Groucho: (after a pause) Let’s go ahead as if nothing happened. I said we’re having an auction at Coconut Manor, and when the crowd gathers around, I want you to mingle with them. Don’t pick their pockets, just mingle with them-
Chico: I’ll find time for both.
Groucho: So we can cut out the auction. If somebody says $100 you say $200. If they say $200 you say $300. Right?
Chico: So I speak up?
Groucho: So if nobody says anything, than you start it off.
Chico: Suppose they don’t say anything?
Groucho: Well, they’ll notify you. You fool! If they don’t say anything, you’ll hear them, won’t you? Well, don’t tell them! If we are successful in disposing of these lots, I’ll see that you get a nice commission.
Chico: And how about some money?(pats hand for money)
Groucho: Well, you can have your choice. You know what a lot is?
Chico: Yes. Too much.
Groucho: Not a whole lot, just a little lot with nothing on it.
Chico: Anytime you gotta too much, and you gotta a whole lot. OK, sometimes you have enough, sometimes you don’t have enough, and sometimes a whole lot. Sometimes you think it’s a little bit, but somebody else thinks it’s too much. Too much, a whole lot, a whole lot, too much, same thing.
Groucho: (after a pause) The next time I see you, remind me not to talk with you, will you? It’s gonna be a cinch explaining the rest of this thing to you, I can see that.
Chico: I catch on quick.
Groucho: That’s a rodeo you’re thinking of. All right, Einstein, here’s Coconut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Coconut Manor. Here’s Coconut Manor, here’s Coconut Heights, that’s a swamp, and over here where the road forks is called Coconut Junction.
Chico: Where do you have coconut custard?
Groucho: That’s on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so you don’t have to worry about that. Here’s the main road leading out of Coconut Manor. That’s the road I wish you were on. Now over here is going to be an eye and ear hospital. That’s going to be a sight for sore eyes. Understand?
Chico: Yeah, that’s fine.
Groucho: Now, right over here is the residential section.
Chico: Oh, people live there, eh?
Groucho: No, that’s the stockyard. Now all along here is the riverfront. All along the river, those are all levies.
Chico: That’s the Jewish neighborhood?
Groucho: (after a pause)Why don’t we pass over that. You’re a peach, boy. Now here is a little peninsula, and over here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico: Why a duck?
Groucho: (after a pause)I’m fine, how are you? I said this is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico: All right, why a duck?
Groucho: I say that’s a viaduct.
Chico: All right, why a duck? Why a duck? Why not a chicken?
Groucho: Well, I don’t know why not a chicken. I’m a stranger here myself. I know that’s a viaduct. You try to cross over there on a chicken and you’ll find out why a duck.
Chico: But why-
Groucho: It’s deep water, that’s why a duck. Look here, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and you wanted to ford over. But you can’t. It’s too deep.
Chico: What would you want with a Ford when you got a horse?
Groucho: (after a pause)Well, I’m sorry the matter came up. I just know that that’s a viaduct.
Chico: Listen. I catch on to why a horse, why a chicken, why a this, why a that, but I don’t catch on to why a duck.
Groucho: I was only fooling. I was only fooling. They’re going to build a tunnel there in the morning. Is that clear to you?
Chico: Yes, everything except for why a duck.
Groucho: Well, that’s fine. Now we can go ahead with this thing. Now in the morning, I’m going to take you to our cemetery. I’ve got a waiting list of fifty people at that cemetery just dying to get in. But I like you.
Chico: Yeah, you’re my friend.
Groucho: I like you, so I’m going to show you in ahead of all of them. I want to make sure that you get a steady position. And it’ll be horizontal. And remember, if somebody says one hundred…
Chico: I say two hundred.
Groucho: And if somebody says two hundred…
Chico: I say three hundred.
Groucho: That’s great. You know how to get down there?
Chico: No.
Groucho: (pointing off stage) You go down there, down that narrow path there, until you come to that little jungle there. You see it?
Chico: Yeah.
Groucho: Where all those thatch palms are? You see that little clearing in there with a wire fence around it?
Chico: Yeah, but why a fence?
Groucho: Oh no, we’re not going to go through all that again.
Sorry it has taken a long time but I am almost done with the script. I have been in Australia for two weeks. I will try to get the scripts finshed by next month so stay tune.
New scripts are still in the works. I'm sorry for the wait, but it has taken me forever to find any time to write. Also, I have a bit of "writer's block" right now, but that should clear up soon. So hang in there!
As promised, a new script! This one was actually based on a conversation that Borrik Svenson and I (Captain Dreadnaught) had.
How Far Is It To The Moon? by Katie Schultz
2 either
Characters:
Borrik Svenson
Captain Dreadnaught
Props:
Two chairs
Magazine
Sign that says “Dentist the Menace”
(Borrik Svenson sits in chair, staring into space. Captain Dreadnaught enters room and sits down next to Borrik Svenson. Sign hangs on wall.)
Captain Dreadnaught: Nice day, isn’t it?
Borrik Svenson: (Grunts.)
Captain Dreadnaught: Compared to the last few days at least. Say, what are you here for? A root canal?
Borrik Svenson: (Grunts and pulls magazine up to hide face.)
Captain Dreadnaught: That’s what I’m here for. I came last month for fillings, and Dentist the
Menace said that I needed a root canal.
Borrik Svenson: (Sinks in chair.)
Captain Dreadnaught: Are you going to say anything? Or shall I keep talking?
Borrik Svenson: (Ignores Captain Dreadnaught.)
Captain Dreadnaught: Well, I WILL talk to you, even if you don’t talk to me. (Stands triumphantly.) Captain Dreadnaught never gives up!
Borrik Svenson: (Groans.)
Captain Dreadnaught: (Sits down.) So, how far is it to the moon?
Borrik Svenson: (Puts down magazine and sighs.) Long ways.
Captain Dreadnaught: I know that. How many miles is it?
Borrik Svenson: “It” is a short word. Not even a whole mile long.
Captain Dreadnaught: That’s not what I mean! How many miles is it to the moon?
Borrik Svenson: Forty-two.
Captain Dreadnaught: No, no, no! It’s much longer than that!
Borrik Svenson: But forty-two is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
Captain Dreadnaught: (Crosses arms.) Where on earth did you learn such a crazy answer?
Borrik Svenson: Have you ever read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?
Captain Dreadnaught: The first six pages or so. Why?
Borrik Svenson: (Surprised.) You’ve never read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?
Captain Dreadnaught: No, I have not.
Borrik Svenson: Never?
Captain Dreadnaught: No! I have never read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy! Now what is this all about, anyway?
Borrik Svenson: In that book, a supercomputer decides the answer to life, the universe, and everything to be forty-two.
Captain Dreadnaught: But it’s not the distance to the moon!
Borrik Svenson: So the distance to the moon is nothing?
Captain Dreadnaught: No!
Borrik Svenson: First you say that the answer to everything does not answer the question about the distance to the moon. Now you say that the distance to the moon is not nothing. Will you make up your mind?
Captain Dreadnaught: Yes. The answer to life, the universe, and everything, is not the answer to EVERYTHING.
Borrik Svenson: Blasphemer!
Captain Dreadnaught: All I want to do is carry on a normal conversation. Is that too much to ask?
Borrik Svenson: Hypocrite!
Captain Dreadnaught: Sheesh! Some people are so quiet! Now, let’s try this again. How far is it to the moon?
Borrik Svenson: Go look it up.
Captain Dreadnaught: (Smiles smugly.) Don’t you know the answer?
Borrik Svenson: Yes, but I prefer to read my magazine. In peace. That means no talking. (Pulls magazine up to hide face.)
Captain Dreadnaught: Aren’t you going to tell me?
Borrik Svenson: Nope.
Captain Dreadnaught: Then I will go look it up! (Leaves room.)
